Best Friends

It's been a weird month of ups and downs which really makes me think. Bella's depression seems to be in check so far which is nice. I've been trying very hard to be there when she needs me and it's a balance of knowing when to push and pry and when to give her some space to figure it out on her own. No doubt she still has issues to deal with and she's at the very least admitted this which is a hurdle that many can't seem to overcome. She knows she can get some help whenever she wants from a professional and I'm willing to bet that when it feels right for her, she'll do just that.

When I last blogged Bella was pretty low but she's starting to come out of it. We've spent lots of time talking and sharing feelings and over the last week she's gone out of her way to tell me that I'm her absolute best friend. That's nice to hear because there were many times in the past where she's lashed out at me, blaming being blind-sided by kink for her not living out a perfect sexual relationship with a vanilla man. This last week however has been a very good one for her and you can just see the difference in her personality. I'll endeavor to keep her like this as best I can. I know she can go from happy to struggling but being there with her to help her through the rough patches makes a world of difference.

It's funny though, because she talks about her and I being best friends and in the same breath ponders of how life will be like when we're old together. See part of her still yearns for a man who expresses his love towards her in the form of sex, but as she matures she's convincing herself that sex isn't as important to a relationship as she once thought. I can't quite figure out if she's just trying to convince herself of this fact so that she can accept our relationship or if she really means it. We had a nice dinner together last night. The boy was away at a sleepover with friends and over coffee and a slice cheesecake she said to me,

"Other than our sex life, you are the perfect man for me."

... and I can read it in her mind as she continues...

"I'll never find what I need in anyone else but you."

A sort of catch 22 because if she gives me up to be with a man who's a match sexually she's afraid of not being able to find what she has with me. Although the truth is I'm no superman. It may take some time, but she could eventually find someone who will bring to the table everything that I do... and the sex as well.

So we left dinner and with nobody in the house but ourselves we where together sexually for the first time in a very long time. It all started with a playful spanking. Punishment for something that I had forgotten to do for her and the next thing you know we were in bed together. I was massaging her back with some oil and before I knew it I was hard and being fondled myself. Bella has always wanted to experiment more with anal so with the oil slick and glistening in all the right places that's exactly what we did.

Although as perfect as the evening was, to me it still seemed awkward. I was sensing the same from her as well. I think she was looking for a little more foreplay but honestly, although the physical excitement was there, the mental arousal was not. She was probably thinking vanilla thoughts and I of course was wishing I had a collar on. Not to take away from the moment though it was a nice intimate time together. I think Bella chalks it up as one more notch towards being a little normal and her mood today has been very relaxed and happy.

So I'm asking myself one question.... where does this leave me? If Bella is thinking long term with me by not putting so much importance on vanilla sex, can I live without my sexuality being sated as well? It's true we are perfect together other than sex and I'd have no regrets about growing old with her but will the importance of kink in my life wane as she seems to think coitus will with hers?