Friday, December 26, 2008

Has It Been That Long?

I can't believe I haven't written anything here since the fall. Odd too because I have a loyal list of blogs that I do keep track of and enjoy reading so it's not that I don't get time in front of the computer that's for sure. When I do think about writing, I think about what I'd like to say here and honestly when these thoughts come to mind I realize that they aren't all that exciting.

What's interesting though is the blogs that I do follow, I do so because the authors write about anything and everything. I love reading the genuine thoughts of others in this lifestyle, even if the content doesn't leave me with an erection that I could split wood with.

So what do you know, blink an eye and Christmas is over for another year. I like Christmas, but the stress that leads up to it I absolutely loathe. It's nothing new though. My parents have been split since my birth so having two official families to split my time with over holidays is always a stressful thing. It's one of the stresses that come with a split family that motivate me to stay with Bella for the sake of the boy, even though Bella and I aren't a sexual match. Having to choose which parent you want to spend Xmas day with always results in the other being disappointed. Not something that should be put on children at all but it's an evil that comes from a split family. It's one of the many things I wouldn't want the boy to go through if his parents were separated. Carrying that guilt over the holidays is not nice.

Bella has ended an online relationship with a fellow that she really got along with well. To make a long story short, he was a good man, but married and deeply religious. From all the stories Bella has told me it's easy to see that his wife is emotionally abusive towards him. However religion is a funny thing and his interpretation of the holy book tells him he must stay with his wife regardless of the consequences. It's what God wants.... blah blah blah. It's situations like this that make my Agnosticism seem normal.

So Bella is bummed about it because he has discontinued all contact with her. In addition to this, Bella is prone to Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder which isn't bunk. Winter hangs over her emotions like a cloud and it's hard for her to get through. So after a quick visit to the Doctor, Bella is on some "pick me ups" and it's helping her moods immensely. Although I find the fire that was in Bella is also gone on these drugs. She's sort of "ho-hum" now which leaves any inclination towards accommodating my submissive advances completely quiet.

Although what's nice is there are some rituals within our relationship that seem to be entrenched pretty deep. Although D/s isn't exactly "game-on" here, she does expect some things from me and even though they don't sound exciting they certainly feed my monster on some level which is satisfying. A couple of examples... and I'm sure I've mentioned them before in my blog... but if we find ourselves resting in front of the TV on the couch, Bella removes her socks or slippers and places her bare feet in my lap. I am EXPECTED to caress her feet while they are in my lap. Sometimes this equates to 30 mins, other times for hours if we're into a good movie. Admittedly there are some times where her feet don't' get the attention she's looking for because I'm not focused or in a submissive mood but when it's all said and done, this simple act is a faction of our power exchange that I need. I can tell because even writing about it here has produced an erection that I've not asked for. Wierd and wonderful. Another thing she expects from me is the preparation of her morning tea. Our jobs have me up a couple hours earlier so before heading to the office I'm expected to make her a tea and place it on a warming plate so that it's ready when she comes into the kitchen after she crawls out of bed.

These tasks seem simple and probably almost vanilla in some cases but it's amazing how important they are to my sexuality. Proof positive that my desire to be submissive in a D/s relationship is still alive and well. When I was in my early 20's and realized that my feelings towards D/s were official, I often wondered if my needs would wane as I got older. Perhaps what I was feeling was a phase that I just needed to get through. Still, here I am closing in on 40 in my late 30's and my desires are still strong. Sexuality is a funny thing.

So as unexciting as it may seem Bella and I seem to be in a sexual pergatory. We're both really not getting what we truly desire but we're dealing with the incompatibility the best we can. The boy is doing well at school and there's no pressure from his parents coming in the form of arguments.

Our sexual incompatibility will never go away it seems but in the best interest of family what's happening here is best for the boy and on that Bella and I can both agree.