Sunday, August 30, 2009

Best Friends

It's been a weird month of ups and downs which really makes me think. Bella's depression seems to be in check so far which is nice. I've been trying very hard to be there when she needs me and it's a balance of knowing when to push and pry and when to give her some space to figure it out on her own. No doubt she still has issues to deal with and she's at the very least admitted this which is a hurdle that many can't seem to overcome. She knows she can get some help whenever she wants from a professional and I'm willing to bet that when it feels right for her, she'll do just that.

When I last blogged Bella was pretty low but she's starting to come out of it. We've spent lots of time talking and sharing feelings and over the last week she's gone out of her way to tell me that I'm her absolute best friend. That's nice to hear because there were many times in the past where she's lashed out at me, blaming being blind-sided by kink for her not living out a perfect sexual relationship with a vanilla man. This last week however has been a very good one for her and you can just see the difference in her personality. I'll endeavor to keep her like this as best I can. I know she can go from happy to struggling but being there with her to help her through the rough patches makes a world of difference.

It's funny though, because she talks about her and I being best friends and in the same breath ponders of how life will be like when we're old together. See part of her still yearns for a man who expresses his love towards her in the form of sex, but as she matures she's convincing herself that sex isn't as important to a relationship as she once thought. I can't quite figure out if she's just trying to convince herself of this fact so that she can accept our relationship or if she really means it. We had a nice dinner together last night. The boy was away at a sleepover with friends and over coffee and a slice cheesecake she said to me,

"Other than our sex life, you are the perfect man for me."

... and I can read it in her mind as she continues...

"I'll never find what I need in anyone else but you."

A sort of catch 22 because if she gives me up to be with a man who's a match sexually she's afraid of not being able to find what she has with me. Although the truth is I'm no superman. It may take some time, but she could eventually find someone who will bring to the table everything that I do... and the sex as well.

So we left dinner and with nobody in the house but ourselves we where together sexually for the first time in a very long time. It all started with a playful spanking. Punishment for something that I had forgotten to do for her and the next thing you know we were in bed together. I was massaging her back with some oil and before I knew it I was hard and being fondled myself. Bella has always wanted to experiment more with anal so with the oil slick and glistening in all the right places that's exactly what we did.

Although as perfect as the evening was, to me it still seemed awkward. I was sensing the same from her as well. I think she was looking for a little more foreplay but honestly, although the physical excitement was there, the mental arousal was not. She was probably thinking vanilla thoughts and I of course was wishing I had a collar on. Not to take away from the moment though it was a nice intimate time together. I think Bella chalks it up as one more notch towards being a little normal and her mood today has been very relaxed and happy.

So I'm asking myself one question.... where does this leave me? If Bella is thinking long term with me by not putting so much importance on vanilla sex, can I live without my sexuality being sated as well? It's true we are perfect together other than sex and I'd have no regrets about growing old with her but will the importance of kink in my life wane as she seems to think coitus will with hers?

Monday, August 17, 2009

Bella Needs Help

So Bella is going through a tough time right now and it's hard for me to watch her be this way. I'm certainly no expert in the field, but I'd say she's displaying 99 out of 100 symptoms of depression. In turn, her attitude which is really spiteful and hateful, starts to include those around her with in this case is me and the boy. It makes me very angry because there are times when she lashes out at us with vengeful HATE. As an adult, I know that she's really not in her right element but the boy has trouble understanding this and if I try to push back, it's like throwing gasoline on a burning fire.

Bella is stubborn to a T. She will defend 2+2=5 to the grave, even if she discovers along the way that it really equals 4. She's never apologized to me once in the time I've known her and for sure she'll simply tell you that the reason she hasn't is because she's NEVER wrong. There have been times where she's blatantly wrong, but rather than say sorry, she over-compensates with niceness instead. It's her way of evening the scale, without actually admitting fault.

Admittedly she hasn't had it easy. Her childhood was at the hand of a physically abusive European alcoholic Father who when he wasn't drunk and beating his kids, was drunk and beating his wife. Her parents are both dead now but she carries this baggage heavily. Whenever the boy has an issue and questions her authority the very first thing out of her mouth is always.... "You think you have it hard, try growing up in the house that I did..." That mantra transcends into others as well, not just the boy. If you bring up any problem you are having around her, she'll eclipse your issue with one of her own. So in her mind, you don't really have an issue... "Try having my life..."

So right now she's really struggling and I hate to see her this way. She's bothered by her weight, which is odd because she's 5'7 and around 150. She looks amazing to me but that's far from what she sees in the mirror. Her Mother was probably 100lbs overweight, as are her siblings. She's fighting genetics and with her 40th birthday coming around the bend she's fighting age as well.

For the last 4 months she's been going to the gym, but then suddenly for no apparent reason, she woke up one day with a pinched nerve in her back. I think she'd managed to drop 10lbs or so during her time at the gym however since she's been hobbling around the house this past 2 weeks with a sore back, she confirmed today that the weight is back on. She's constantly complaining about the pain and the medication our family Dr gave her seems to hardly be working.

She HATES her job. She's been a bartender/waitress since dropping out of high-school and she says she simply won't quit the job she's at now to become a waitress somewhere else. It's not that she minds the work, she really HATES her boss. I could write a book about some of the things that happen at that restaurant. Things that really put Bella in a bad position. The doors of that place frankly should be closed and honestly I wish they would.

Of course with our sexual differences, we're not having sex at all. She blames me entirely for destroying her chances of being happy with a vanilla man because of my D/s wiring so here again, life has thrown her shit and some external force is responsible for her not being happy.

The angle on this whole thing is that Bella seems to think that somehow life should automatically work itself out. She blames luck, blames GOD, blames me, blames her parents. Like somehow GOD is looking down and LETTING these things happen to her. "Why do bad things always happen to ME?" That whole thing. I hate talking religion with her because I'm a flaming Agnostic. I've watched this whole make-believe Jesus crap turn people into conformist zombies and at it's worst, molest children and take emotionally weak people for thousands of dollars. Ugh don't get me started...

It's hard because I want to help, but I know I don't have the academic skill to steer her on the road of mental recovery. She has issues that need to be dealt with and a professional needs to be involved. However as soon as I mention she needs some help, she rebels and explodes in my face saying there's nothing wrong with her, that it's the OTHER people in the world that are affecting her life negatively causing this whole thing. That it's simply "luck" which has her in this downward spiral and that there's nothing she can do about it. Luck.. God... Fate... what a bumblefuck.

So how do I get through to her? During times when she's been blatantly wrong I've just left her alone and after the rage dies down, she starts to think rationally and deals with things the right way. But leaving her alone feels like I'm doing nothing to help, not to mention that she's doing a number on the boy's own mental health. I'm sure he'll fondly remember the times where his Mother lashed out at him for no reason, simply because she was going through some depression and was too stubborn to admit she needs help.

I need to motivate her to get help. It wouldn't even cost us anything because I have coverage at work. I'm not sure what else I can do other than leave her alone help protect the boy from what she's projecting. I hope she loses the rage soon and starts to think rationally.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Oh How To Fill The Void...

So lately my focus has been on chastity and I'm sure I've mentioned in previous posts that chastity has been preoccupying my thoughts. I still think it's something that Bella might have some fun with now and again which is far from a lifestyle change but fun none the less. My biggest hurdle is to not have her freak out over spending $150 US on a piece of plastic. If the opportunity arrives where I find myself with some BFB... (Bella Free Bucks) I just may order one and tell her i got a deal on it. Having a CB2000 style device locked on would be a fantastic reminder and I just adore reminders, especially when it intermixes within a vanilla day. It's like sexual stimuli all day long in a mild sort of way that would feed the monster nicely. Sort of a D/s I.V. drip if you catch my drift.

When I'm in the mood and yearning for that drip, I tend to reach for a cock ring. I have a 2" ring that is nothing special; in fact it came from an old cock and ball harness I had years ago. Since then the leather on this cheap little harness has worn to nothing but I kept the ring and it's circumference is a perfect size for me. I suppose a Domme might say that if it's comfortable, I need a smaller size and that may be true. This 2" chrome ring is almost unnoticeable when I'm flaccid and a little too tight when I'm at full staff. It's a delicious mix and depending on my thoughts through the day it's a nice reminder of who I am. I'd like to replace it someday with a thicker/prettier model that would have a little weight to it. Nightly masturbation is different when it's on because the pressure is certainly noticeable. In fact post orgasm it's uncomfortable enough where I can't wait to get it off but often I have to wait a good 10 mins before I can pry it away. What's interesting is that 10 minutes can be maddening because as much as I want it off it's physically too small at that point to remove. I reason with myself during that time that I must endure and by the time that things have returned to their normal size, submissive guilt usually has me leaving it on as if Bella has instructed me not to remove it without her permission. I can honestly say being made to wear that ring is somthing I miss immensely. When I served Meadow years ago it was established very early that the cock ring would be worn when she required it, which was more often than not. If the ring was on, I was to remain chaste and I never was allowed to ask permission to remove it. I recall one time she even had me put it in the freezer for a couple of hours before sending me an IM telling me to put it back on. It's that kind of control that I simply ADORE and miss very much.

So with a chastity mindset I've been perving around the internet and lately I've been reading a blog about a couple who are living a D/s lifestyle and the submissive male is made to live as her maid. He's heavily feminized and of course wears a chastity belt. He identifies as a submissive sissy which I have to admit never has really been my bag. Although the dynamic between both of them is amazing and I think that's what draws me to reading the most. The blog is written by a woman named Anne and what I find so refreshing is her sexuality is completely in tune with their daily lives. Most of the activity actually focuses on HER needs however the yin is certainly in tune with the yang because I'm sure his sexuality is being equally fulfilled. Here's a snippet that makes me swoon...

The more I think about it, I realise that this is not just about steve starting his new life but as importantly, this is about what I want out of my life too. It is going to change beyond recognition. I see so many positives for both of us.

Naturally as I read through the progress of this couple I constantly put myself in the position of Anne's partner. As much as it would repulse me to look at myself in the mirror wearing a French Maid's outfit (oh I'd make a horrible looking maid) the dynamic and need to fulfil her desires would be a huge turn on. I'll openly admit that recent masturbatory thoughts have focused around Anne's blog making for some pretty intense orgasms.

The cock ring, combined with some great masturbatory thoughts has me preoccupied with submission. I need so very much to just do as I'm told which in return is fulfilling the sexuality of a dominant partner. It's nice to see there are women out there who need submissive men as much as we need them. It sort of helps validate my own sexuality, even if I'm not in a situation where I can express it.