In the summer of 87 I was almost 17 and I remember feeling the pressure of needing to lose my virginity because I was sure that any male that reaches 17 without getting laid was certainly a loser. I'd been with my girlfriend for over a year and we'd only shared some heavy petting and foreplay by this point. We held out for each other waiting for the perfect moment to lose our virginity but we never really knew when that moment was. All we knew was that going too far should be avoided.
What I knew about my sexuality then was: masturbation felt good but made me feel guilty, I loved to see women in bondage, loved being in bondage, and didn't know why I got an erection every time I saw a cute pair of sandals.
Getting close to coitus a couple of times and managing to stop ourselves, my vanilla girlfriend and I figured the right thing to do was to get on the pill. Not wanting to go to her family Doc, we ended up in the office of the public health nurse who applauded and praised us for being responsible teenagers. I learned what a pap test was and she got her pills. It was barely a month later and during an evening that my Mother was out of the house, we lit some candles, had a shower together and had sex right there on the bathroom floor. Kids...
What I knew at the time was "Yes! This is the feeling I've been searching for!" and over the next year she and I copulated like wild rabbits at every chance we could get. I just couldn't get enough of it and neither could she. I did admit to her that I liked "Kinky" which back then amounted to a pair of handcuffs and a feather. Eventually though we grew apart. It had nothing to do with sex, we just started to mature in different directions.
The years that followed were awkward. Any girl that was interested in me wasn't interested in having sex; and every girl that wanted to have sex with me I wasn't interested in. The bar had been set and I just didn't want to have to go back to "Let's wait for the right time" game. Sex was what I needed and kink was the seasoning that didn't present itself as a need at this point. Although it didn't stop me from trying to include it. I remember mixed reactions when I'd sort of broach the subject and test the waters with whomever I was dating.
"Eeeew... you mean you like S&M and that kind of freaky stuff?" I recall hearing. At that point I'd bury my thoughts and never bring it up again. I had buried it so many times that I figured I was just inflicted with some sort of disease. Surely there was something wrong with me if bondage was what got me off. My aversion with kink became my dirty little secret and I did my best to carry on as a sexual being without making it part of my life. Although I can't say that I buried it forever because masturbation always included kink every single time. The fact that it was hidden wasn't a big deal at this point because as a teenager, sex alone was enough to keep my sexuality busy. In fact I figured sex was all I needed at the time.
So fast forward to Bella. We enjoyed sex in many shapes and forms. In the beginning it didn't include kink but as time went on I let her in on a few things that got me off. After 2 years had passed between us, she knew I liked bondage and a sexy pair of shoes would set me off. Slowly she'd introduce a little bit of kinky play and the original "feeling I'd been looking for" that I got from losing my virginity, now came to me when we'd mess around with kink. It wasn't long before I learned that vanilla sex was old news, and bondage was what I was looking for. The lesson I missed however was vanilla sex was extremely important to Bella. As my interest in it waned, Bella was left feeling unloved and unattractive. It was during this time that I realized that my kinky persuasion was more than just a fancy. I wasn't quite sure what it was, but I knew it couldn't be ignored. As I pursued finding answers to my sexuality questions, my relationship with Bella went through some pretty rough seas which included a time of separation. To this day I don't think she's quite entirely recovered from all of it.
So in my quest to find out more I jumped feet first into the local D/s community. Instantly what I learned was that although there are many other people out there who have an aversion to kink, not all of them are driven by sexuality. Some are even there simply out of opportunity. Regardless, I had met a few people who I seemed to relate to and one of them helped me to feel normal and not vanilla with an affliction. She was a Domme and I finally figured out I was submissive.
Eventually I attended a play party. It was wonderful. Protocol, physical play, bondage. Everything that my mind had been using during masturbation was there and even a few things that I'd not considered but certainly would in the future. Here I was strapped to something called a St. Andrews Cross, practically naked and a very attractive dominant woman flogging me in front of an entire room of people. I felt myself sort of drift away. The music in the room had become mute, my nervousness had disappeared. All I could do was concentrate on the lashes as she tickled my backside with pain, and the sound of her voice when she whispered in my ear. Some refer to this feeling as "subspace". This HAD to be the feeling I was looking for!
Looking for this feeling again I found myself at another play party with the same woman. Again on the cross, we practically repeated what happened during my first experience. Although the play was very intense, and I did slip into subspace again, what happened after would teach me yet another lesson. This woman had a primary relationship and the play between us was just that... play. When we were finished I felt a sort of emptiness... a longing. Kneeling beside her as she composed herself while sitting in a chair I so desperately wanted to place my head in her lap and I wasn't sure why. What I learned was that there was more than just play. There was an emotional connection that I was forbidden to pursue with this woman because of her primary relationship. There was more to D/s then just play alone.
Working things out with Bella we knew one thing: we loved each other very much. I also learned that the absence of my family affected me profoundly. In an effort to appease each other sexually, I pretended to be vanilla and she pretended to be a Domme. We certainly had an emotional connection to build on so the rest should have been easy, or so I thought. What I learned was not only did i need the space to express my submissive sexuality, but I also needed a partner that needed me to be this way as well. I learned what complimentary sexualities are and realized that Bella and i didn't have one.
So not being sexually active with Bella has given me lots of time to check my own feelings and try to understand what this is all about. Although I don't have all the answers, I've managed to figure out that there are elements of D/s that are very important to me, and other portions that I can live without. What is clear, is that how BDSM should be in my life, is defined by ME and nobody else. The Holy Book of BDSM does not exist and we should spend less time trying to slot ourselves into pigeon holes, and more time looking for compatibility.
So here I sit... unsatisfied sexually with the constant yearning to express my sexuality in a way that feels natural to me. Conversely Bella feels the same way from a sexuality standpoint. She longs for a sexual vanilla match as well. We both stifle our own urges on a regular basis because right now the bigger picture seems to be more important to both of us: Family. We've managed to solidify other components of a relationship that many other couples seem to struggle with. Things like friendship and love. We love each other immensely and our friendship is the best match you can possibly find. The boy flourishes here as well, regardless of the obvious sexual mismatch. His grades are fantastic, his parents are best friends, his independence as a teenager is growing in the right direction. He sees NONE of the typical issues that come with having split parents because both his Mother and I have come from childhoods where the importance of family was often missed. In that respect Bella and I have a common goal and it's what helps us ignore our sexualities, as mismatched as they are.
Over the years I've learned an incredible amount about my sexuality. Some of it from my own experiences and other parts of it with good people that have accepted me for who I am. Now with sexual development on a sort of hiatus, it still seems that although I've discovered so much this far I also realize there there is so much more to discover and learn.
If the name of the game is compatibility, who out there shares a complimentary sexuality to my own? Life has me busy with my family right now, but when the boy leaves the nest or perhaps Bella finds a match of her own I'll be faced with finding an answer to that question. I have no idea how or if it will ever be answered.