The Uncertainty Of It All...

You know, life has been good for me lately. In the last year I've changed careers and I'm now in a job that I enjoy immensely. The pay is good, the hours are perfect, the benefits more than I could ask for. We're not eating at the Ritz or anything, but my income puts a roof over our heads and allows me to tuck a little bit away for retirement. There's always room for promotion but where I'm at now professionally has finally stopped me from saying to myself, "This is good for now, maybe better will come." It's really a load off of my mind.

The boy is doing well in school, healthy, and maintains a good relationship with his parents. He hangs around good friends, who also have good parents. His childhood memories will come from spending time with his friends while living in a good neighbourhood, and going to a good school.
Bella is hardly in a bad mood anymore (although she does loathe her job) and is at peace knowing that she's living with her best friend, and doing well raising a well rounded boy. Her happy place is sitting in comfy clothes with the Saturday paper sprawled out on the kitchen table and a hot cup of tea at the ready. Spring is her favourite time of the year and when the smell of the budding lilac bushes waft in from the backyard she'll be in full utopia mode.

As a man feeling like a King, I can look down upon my castle and bequeath that "Things are in order, and all is good."
However there's one question mark. There's a skeleton in the closet who doesn't seem too content to stay there and it worries me. I wonder if perhaps I've just talked myself into this sense of contentment so that I don't have to deal with the skeleton. What I know to be true is I have very little control over what the future holds for Bella and I. The skeleton could come knocking any time.
Bella and I are best friends and on many occasions we've spoken candidly about getting old together. The truth is it's hard for me to imagine being with anyone else, regardless of our sexual mismatch. However after I had accepted my sexuality the way that it is, I was sure that Bella and I couldn't remain together. I was sure that there was a family of people out there just waiting for me. Kinky people just like me and amongst them, a woman who's sexuality was a perfect compliment to mine. Someone I could love. Someone that could understand and love me back. Looking back now I know it's not that simple.

But back then, Bella and I tried many things and amongst them was the time we tried living separate sexual lives. She was deeply involved with a somewhat online and realtime relationship with a man living in the States, I was happily frolicking with a local Domme and looking for some sort of acceptance. I was sure it was what I needed. I was sure the demise of the relationship I had with Bella would come soon. What I didn't count on was the grief that would come from losing my family. The thought of not seeing the boy when I wake up in the morning was unbearable. What I also hadn't planned, was the emotional void of not having Bella as my partner. I love her so much and I feel crippled without her. I think over time we realized that what we gained from being partners, perhaps outweighed the thought of not being sexually content. This is how we've been living for the last few years.

However recently, Bella has made it clear that she has no sexual feelings for me any longer and to me that seems unrepairable. Perhaps it was inevitable and I just chose not to deal with it. I've been wondering if two people can live happily this way, without sexual compatibility. I've always known we weren't compatible in this way but now it seems more concrete, more absolute.
Throw in the mix, that over the last month or so, Bella has struck up another online relationship with another vanilla man from the States. She talks to me about him like I'm one of her girlfriends. If she had girlfriends that is. He's a good looking man, seems very nice and respectful and although they've not discussed sex with each other I can tell he's rekindled some sexual feelings in her that she's not felt from me in a long time if at all. That... for the first time... worries me.

If Bella where to find a perfect match, some one (she claims) is exactly like me but desires her sexually in a vanilla way, I think she'd leave me for that person. I think that since I love her so much I'd want what is best for her. I'd want her to be happy. I think I'd have to let her go. That makes me immensely sad. The only good I could think of which would come out of that would be I would be free to pursue a perfect relationship of my own. But honestly, I don't think that relationship is out there.

The perfect woman I could envision being with would of course be just like Bella. But her sexual yearning would be to be the rooster in this relationship. She'd need that power exchange in order to feel balanced. She'd still have a feminine personality and enjoy being a woman, but have an unexplainable penchant for bondage and perhaps a little pain. She'd have to respect of course that the responsibility to my son would be a paramount thing and probably the one thing she wouldn't be able to control about my life.

Then of course I wonder if there are women out there who are like that. Certainly based on sheer numbers alone, the chance of meeting someone like this must be a million to one. If she even exists. I can't even imagine where I'd start. After reading this article , it really makes me wonder.

But lets say just for the sake of example that I do find this person. Perfect in every way. Is this ultimately what I want? What if what I want looks good on paper but when it arrives it's nothing like I had imagined? Believe me I've had lots of time to create all these little fantasies in my mind of what I THINK I need. Perhaps I'm putting too much onus on Kink and in reality my sexuality is small potatoes in the grand scheme of being happy in life.

For now, the skeleton is in the closet but it still worries me. The cause of the worry I have no control to change, so perhaps I should just accept it. Maybe things have a way of working out.

Finding a Balance

As friends, Bella and i get along splendidly. We do spend lots of time together that generates a certain comfort we seem to crave. It could be as simple as getting some time alone to go shopping or sipping tea in the morning while we look over the weekend paper. It's a part of love and partnership that you take for granted and miss it immensely when it's gone.

The sexuality part of our relationship as you know is a different story. I tend to wallow here in this blog over sexual cravings that never seem to be quenched. However it's easy for me to forget that Bella craves vanilla sex just as much. When I think about vanilla sex I find it so bland and unappealing that I forget it's an important element of Bella's sexuality. Just as kink is to mine.

Bella and I have talked about sex a lot throughout our relationship. There's a constant joke about how we should be "doing it" but the joke has been repeated so many times that its undertone is anything but funny. In fact sexual intercourse isn't even a serious topic in this house, it always takes on a tone of being jokey and non-serious. It's a little hard to explain.

What's happened now though is since talk of sex is always used in jest between us, to try and get serious about it now is almost impossible. It's like the milk is spoiled and to get it back the way it should be just can't be done. If i were to behave in a manner that I think would turn her on she'd assume I was putting on an act for her benefit and eventually push me away. I guess the same can be said for my likes as well. Bella's not wired for what pushes my buttons so if suddenly she started pushing them I'd know they're rehearsed and just for my benefit.

You know it doesn't matter how many times or different ways I talk about our sexuality here because I really can't hide from the truth. Of course I know that Bella and I are not sexually compatible. What I don't like to think about is how important sexual compatibility is between two people, and how imperative it can be to the success of a lasting relationship. I want to be with Bella for the rest of my life but ignoring the obvious is probably not a smart idea either. I mean if you're stuck on a deserted island you need food, shelter and water to survive. If one of those items is missing no matter how much you ignore it, eventually you will succumb to the inevitable. I wonder if the inevitable is in store for our relationship.

This concept scares me when I choose to think about it. Bella and i do go for months as a very happy couple but the grumble of sexual incompatibility never goes away. Trying to broach the topic a little, just recently Bella's birthday passed. I used the opportunity to slip in a bit of suggestion into her gift. Amongst the things i bought for her, was some KY Warming Liquid. It was my thought that perhaps this was a good starting point for trying to repair a little bit of what's missing in her sexual life. It's an innocent suggestion for many things. We can use it for intercourse, or quite simply a nice massage over candle light. No pressure.

Well her birthday was a few weeks ago and I've tried suggesting that we give the KY a try. A few times she's shrugged me off, but the last time I asked her about it she looked me in the eye and said...

"C'mon honey... who are you kidding? We both know we're not compatible in this way."

I really didn't have much to say to that. I did suggest that perhaps we could engage in a little massage but nothing has come of it yet. Bella has never had a problem with me giving her a massage however since we both know what was implied by me buying this product, I think she's avoiding the situation. I'm confident that I can get her relaxed enough to allow me a full body massage, but a little spark in me (and my monster no doubt) is quietly wishing for her to demand it from me.

I've played the massage over and over in my head and I'm waiting for the right opportunity for her to relax enough to enjoy it. Factors that affect this are her work schedule, her mood, how she's feeling and enough privacy from the boy to lay on her bed in the nude. I'm struggling a little bit with my own wants too. I'd really really really love to be naked and my collar locked on while I'm rubbing her down but i'm not sure drawing kink into the whole thing is a good idea. I'd also like the massage to be the catalyst for perhaps some oral sex or intercourse but I feel like she'll probably push me away which will make for an awkward moment.

It's this kind of over-thinking that lets night after night slip by as our catatonic sexuality remains the same.

Getting a read on how Bella is coping with all of this is hard as well. She goes through periods where she talks about the importance of sexuality and how we're not compatible, to talking about how she looks forward to the both of us being in a relationship when we're seniors.

I just get the feeling that someday, if i don't water this plant enough, it will eventually wither away and die. I don't want that. I need Bella in my life and I want to be old with her someday. Certainly i can't ignore the obvious but how can I change it?

Mindset

I've not blogged in awhile and I know it. Neglecting new posts almost makes me feel a little guilty but the expression of my feelings here is honestly for my benefit so I don't pressure myself to post new content for the sake of just doing so. I do enjoy the community of bloggers here and probably visit my favourites daily.

So since my last post we've gone through the busy Christmas season which can be a bit of a double edged sword. I really love the "family feeling" that comes with Christmas and the excitement it brings for children, but as an adult this all comes at a cost. Stress, finances, rushing around, getting the right gift, cooking the right meal, having to favour one family over another on the actual day... the list goes on and on and enduring some of these stresses can be overwhelming sometimes. Every adult I know says the same thing... "I love Christmas, but I'm glad it's over!"

Between the busy Xmas season and working overtime to cover some Xmas bills, life has our attention 100%. It seems during this time that everything else comes before Bella and I which includes our relationship. The boy is looking at high school in the fall so right now our focus is on that as well.

But the busy rigmarole hasn't distracted me entirely; I still manage the things that are expected of me from a D/s standpoint although I will say that they aren't completed with the effort and care that comes from a good submissive mindset. I'm really just going through the motions of getting the tasks completed and D/s is often the furthest thing from my mind. In fact I haven't been feeling submissive at all lately and a complete lack of motivation is apparent. So much so that I'm masturbating probably only once a week which is entirely different than my once a day routine a few months ago. What's more disturbing is I'm masturbating out of need but not really in a good way. With the environment here at home not exactly conducive to a submissive mindset, I've been using masturbation to eliminate what little submissive feelings I have. I mean, my monster is always looking to be fed and my weekly masturbation routine is to keep him quiet enough so that I can forget about D/s and tackle what life is making me do right now. It's an easy way to push it away and not have to deal with it.

It's always during times like these where I wonder if had I been with a woman who's sexuality was complimentary to mine (a hardwired Domme) if mindset would be different. Even if Bella would vocalize what she expects of me it would be a big help right now. It's like I need to hear and be reminded of my place here. I have no idea why that seems so important but it does. Sleeping in my collar every night does the same thing for me but since mindset hasn't been what it should be I've neglected that as well.

Honestly there are times when I feel this way, that I wished D/s wasn't part of my sexuality at all. Masturbation seems to be the only way to relieve this burdensome feeling but this yo-yo style attitude towards it isn't going to do much for me in the end. I'm feeling alone with this and I hate that. Perhaps with spring not too far away, my mood will change and I'll be able to shake this funk.

I just wish I had some motivation. I wish my submissive sexuality was being coddled and not just tolerated

Of Mistresses Past...

I helped a relative move recently, to a small town that is out of the way and I probably don't visit or even drive through on a regular basis. This town is a good 45 minute drive away. The last time i found myself there was for a private play party at a Domme's house who is a real lovely woman that i'll call Kat. Kat is probably about 10 years older than me and when i first met her, it was at a munch many years ago. I was in my mid 20's leaving Her perhaps in mid to late 30's. We spoke very little but we did speak. Although very cordial, Kat spent little time getting to know me because i'm sure to Her i was just yet another horny 20-something male looking to get laid under the banner of BDSM.

The private party Kat held was probably about 5 or 6 years ago now. At that time i was exploring an external D/s relationship with Meadow whom i've mentioned before. Meadow and i chummed regularly with another nice D/s couple and the four of us ended up at Kat's place as a group. It was a thrilling experience; something i relive many times during masturbation.

As i arrived at my relative's new house in this sleepy little town, would you believe that i find myself directly across the road from Kat's old place? (She's since moved) I peered at the house from the roadside, focusing at a sliding glass doorway at the rear thinking to myself, "...it doesn't seem that long ago that i was half naked, collared and kneeling in a cage just inches away from that doorway.. "

Fond memories they are. It got me thinking about Meadow, and yet another Domme that was there in which i served for a period of time as well. Wonderful people that have helped me understand my own sexuality, during a time when i was mostly alone and confused about the whole thing. There are many elements of those relationships that i miss IMMENSELY. Food that my monster has not tasted in a very long time.

The first time i ever interacted with a Domme in real life was with a woman i'd met online that was part of my local munch group. We'd chatted briefly before my first munch and it was Her that held my hand as i entered into this strange new world that my sexuality was drawing me to. I'll call her JR and for a very long time she was a consoling ear to a man that up until this point had been cast out from his own relationship and labeled a "freak". JR was in a relationship of her own with a malesub that was equally nice as she. The both of them were always available to help me feel welcome in the local BDSM community. JR helped me feel normal and less confused. I started to spend lots of time with JR after Bella and i split. Of course i kept my activities with JR hidden from Bella. She knew i was attending munches, but the play JR and i engaged in was best kept to myself.

To make a long story short about JR, had our lives been different we might just be together today. She was an attractive woman and our sexualities matched well. However i was a single man missing his family immensely, and she was in a relationship with a good man that was starting to get rocky and it was my thought that i was contributing to that turbulence. Things had to stop before they got too complicated. But during the time i served Her there were activities that affected me profoundly and i just wish i could taste that again.

JR and i did some vanilla things together. Things like shopping and eating at local restaurants. But it was the interwoven and assumed part of power exchange that lit my fire. JR would always stop in front of a door and expect me to open it. At our first meeting alone she had me simply brush her long dark hair and asked me if it felt good to know that i was pleasing to Her. JR was not a typical Dominatrix but a soft-hearted Domme. She favoured polite requests over strict orders that often were followed by "please" and "thank-you". Although she'd always ask nice in a very feminine voice, i was expected to comply none the less.

One of the routine things that JR had me do which still sits fondly in my memory is she'd have me drive to her apartment and clean it. I had a key to her place and upon my arrival more times than not she wouldn't even be there but would be spending time with her submissive boyfriend. She'd simply leave a note stating what she wanted done and that perhaps she might be by later to check on me. Her instructions on the note were very regimented. Precise to the point of writing down a schedule of when i should be done each task.

- 9:00 to 9:15 Do the dishes in the sink.
- 9:15 to 9:30 Kneel in my bedroom beside my bed and reflect upon how lucky you are
- 9:30 to 9:40 Masturbate but do not come.

Always i'd be naked and wearing a collar. Most of the time sporting an erection that wouldn't go away. Sometimes she'd make me write down my feelings on a piece of paper so that she could read them at a later time.
There were many times when she arrived in the morning to find me kneeling at the door waiting for her approval of a job well done. Often she'd allow me to service her orally before being dismissed until my next visit. I long for that same feeling today and i'd be lying if i didn't wonder how She and i might have ended up had our lives been different. At the end of our relationship i moved back in with Bella and She focused her attention on mending the damage that was done to her primary relationship with her submissive boyfriend. They're still happily together today.

Amongst the many things Bella and i tried in order to find some balance and happiness, she allowed me to spend a couple of weekends with another Domme who lived out of town. like JR, she too had a primary relationship with a submissive man but was willing to play with me by coddling the part of my sexuality that Bella wanted no part of. There were very strict rules however from Bella's point of view and in the end Bella was letting me go but hated every bit of it. Naturally with so many rules and stipulations in place, it never worked out as a permanent solution.

I'll call this Domme Rosie. Rosie was older than me, probably by about 7 or 8 years. She was a typical tom-boy and for all intents and purposes not overly feminine. She favoured short hair and little makeup; probably hadn't worn a skirt or dress in quite some time. She was a bit overweight, a smoker and not shy about reaching out and grabbing a handful of my behind the very first time she met me. What was great about Rosie was unlike JR and most other Dommes i'd met, Rosie's sexuality was wired for BDSM for as long as she could remember. Like me it was her sexuality that guided her to the lifestyle and not curiosity or the aid of a friend that introduced it to her. Rosie genuinely needed to be a Domme in order to satisfy her own sexual needs and for me this was a first.

I spent the weekend at her house mostly naked, collared, in bondage of some sort and stiff with a dripping erection. She let me service her orally and massage her back; cook meals with her primary submissive and do a little housecleaning while she watched. We didn't play all the time but during times that we didn't, she expected me naked and not covering my genitals. She wanted me exposed at all times should the mood to fondle strike her.

At one point, she had me blindfolded and gagged and knowing that I had a little extra padding of my own i was nervous about being physically pleasing to her. I remember thinking that I wished she would just let me do something for her rather than let me try to be some sort of eye candy to which i'm sure wasn't pleasing at all. As i stood there feeling useless she whispered into my ear,

"I can't believe how the sight of you like this is turning me on."

Behind my blindfold i rolled my eyes and chortled something past the gag. Rosey then reached down and swabbed some of her dripping excitement onto her fingers and coated my nose with it which took me completely off guard. Could it be that by just being in this submissive position, in the bondage that I was in was actually turning this woman on? I had a hard time letting that sink in but when it finally did i realized that my sexuality wasn't broken, and that there were genuine women out there who needed me to be the way i was, as much as i needed to be that person. To this day this thought still keeps me feeling normal. To know that there are women out there who actually sexually respond to seeing a man in bondage still amazes me, because i want to be that man. Sure if you stroll around the internet or go to munches you'll find Dommes, but more that get off on the fact that they'll benefit from what a submissive does for them and not simply from seeing a man in chains kneeling in front of them proudly submitting himself to her.

Still, i do see women from time to time that are wired like Rosey and it's encouraging. It comforts me to no end to know that there are women out there who are hardwired just as i am but in a complimentary fashion. There aren't many, but they're out there.

A few years later Bella and i had agreed, that we would live our sexual lives completely separate from each other. What she wasn't getting from me, she would seek elsewhere and i was allowed to do the same. For the sake of the boy, we'd be cordial, loving adults, living together and getting along with separate sexual lives. It was during this time that i'd been introduced to Meadow by a mutual friend. I'd always kept in touch with a few of the genuine people i'd met at munches and this mutual friend was one of them. Meeting Meadow was interesting because although we'd chatted online, we'd agreed to meet in person for the first time on Her terms. She decided we'd meet at this mutual friend's house and the details of this meeting can be found in a story i wrote here. Although this story is fictional, the portion that had me meeting a "mystery Mistress" at "Kevlin's" place is based on my first meeting with Meadow. It was mind-blowing to say the least. Meadow turned out to be a wonderful person and physically attractive to boot. Consequently, the relationship she was having with her husband was eerily the same as what Bella and i were experiencing. Sexuality differences that head everyone involved finding matches elsewhere outside of their primary relationship.

Meadow loved control. She loved being treated like a Princess and she spent lots of time thinking up ways to control me during the times when we were not together. It seems almost daily she had a "task" or "request" for me of which I was almost always expected to complete within a certain time frame. Admittedly i ADORED this control; and having to answer to her for many things was immensely exciting. Some of the most fondest everyday things i recall were some of the rules she had made very clear. Little rules that although don't seem all that exciting to some, had me reeling for more.

- I was never allowed to use her real name. If we were in public and i had to introduce Her, She simply would be referred to as Meadow.
- I was to keep an online journal and write in it daily. It didn't matter what i wrote, as long as it was honest and it happened every day. She'd read it nightly before bed and expect new entries to be there.
- Whenever She asked me to wear my cock ring, it's underlying meaning was that i was to remain chaste. In fact I was not even allowed to fondle myself in the state of chastity. If the cock ring was on, masturbation was completely off limits.

These little elements of control fed my Monster in a way that i've not felt since. This element is probably what lacks most with my vanilla relationship with Bella; control. Whether conscious or unconscious that overtone of control and obedience feeds me sexually like nothing else can. The complete unbridled motivation that i find myself with when the element of control is present is astounding.

After time regardless of lifestyle be it vanilla or otherwise, living together with a person yet sharing your sexual life elsewhere simply doesn't last forever. Many people find poly-relationships rewarding, but i've yet to meet real life couples that engage in such play very successful with it over a long period of time. Sure there are always exceptions to the rule but generally there are always complications that result in the ultimate demise of this model. Because of this, Meadow and i went our separate ways. Looking back now i think i can honestly say that Meadow wasn't hardwired for D/s from birth. However hardwired or not, she taught me lots about myself all the while helping me to understand my Monster within.

After my experiences with Meadow, my relationship with Bella had become strained. In fact she was still engaging in a quasi-relationship with a long distance vanilla man and I again was feeling very alone with my sexual differences. Instead of doting over the mismatch i kept my thoughts on the benefits of staying with Bella for the purposes if giving the boy a normal as can be childhood. Frankly jealousy is not my thing and as long as Bella was finding a way to meet her sexual needs then i was happy. Quietly and slowly though, my own needs began to creep up on me and again i found myself alone with my own sexual desires. The need for D/s, control, acceptance and love was eating away inside of me.

I've said this a thousand times - The only thing worse than being sexually different is being ALONE and sexually different. Inside i was screaming for companionship and an ear that could understand the language that i was speaking. With external relationships far behind me and trips to local munches a thing of the past, (they just caused too much friction with Bella) i yearned for someone who could understand me. Someone who could answer me when i'd ask: "Am i sexually flawed because i'm turned on by bondage, obedience and control?" Enter Angel from the Island...

During my internet travels, trying to find companions to share stories, trials and tribulations with, i'd met Angel and recognized right away that she was completely genuine. Genuine in the sense that her motivations for being involved in BDSM were the same as mine. Angel was fresh out of a vanilla relationship of her own and like me, had an internal burning for something that wasn't being quenched by a regular non-D/s relationship. We experienced similar emotions of feeling "broken" and selfish, not completely understanding the fire that stirred within us. A common reaction to many that share our situation is to push our feelings away and concentrate on the needs of our family and that's exactly what Angel and i were going through. The connection i felt with her was hard to describe but the more i got to know Angel the more i realized that our sexualities were a perfect complementary fit.

With not knowing where my relationship with Bella was heading the connection i felt with Angel was too intriguing to ignore. Curious about this perfect fit which was all so new to me, i spent lots of time online chatting and exchanging email with Angel. It wasn't before long that we succumbed to a little cyber play to feed both our Monsters. The control that i'd been craving for so long was finally coming back, regardless of it's cyber flavour. I still fondly re-read some of the emails that Angel would send me, telling me what she expected of me and outlining any changes to an evening ritual she'd have me do just before bed each night. The feeling of buckling on my collar once again had some meaning and Her control over me was a welcomed feeling.

Each night before bed, i was required to kneel naked save for my collar and any other accoutrement she might require of me. Here's a snippet of a typical email:

If life doesn't allow us to connect I'll expect you to get your collar and
gag on for your time of reflection. Get that lace of yours and wrap it
round your balls nice and snugly. Any leakage you produce will be used to
keep that ball in your mouth well coated. Don't want you making a mess all
over the place *grinzzzzzz* When your time of reflection is through tonite
you are granted permission to indulge in self pleasure. It's been several
days since you were last allowed such indulgence and I am pleased that this
weekend allowed you the time to complete the email that I expected of you.


Angel and i corresponded for quite some time and she helped me tremendously when it came to accepting myself and not feeling "broken" sexually. During this time however it seemed that the external vanilla relationship Bella was having, was falling apart. As time went on it was clear to me that Bella simply wanted to have a relationship with me regardless of our sexual mismatch problems. As luck would have it Angel actually moved to a town that is only minutes away from where i live. She was using this move as the catalyst to start life anew and i'm happy to say that she's done tremendously well in that quest. Today she finds herself happily involved in a D/s relationship with a man who seems to sate her every need. Probably just as much as she does his. I've never met Angel in real life, although the opportunity was certainly there. Honestly it's something that i regret immensely however sneaking away to meet her, and jeopardizing what i'm trying to accomplish here with my family is something that scares me to no end. Had i been a single man things would have been different. I still check in with Angel now and then just to hear that things are still going well with her and that makes me very happy. She coddled me on an emotional level that i'm certain was needed to keep me sane.

So even though i find myself often struggling to keep things on the level with Bella and keeping my sexuality in check, there have been a few Mistresses Past that have played instrumental roles in keeping me out of the psychiatrist's chair. I've been extremely fortunate to have made these profound connections and it gives me hope when it comes to feeling alone with my different sexuality.

There are good people out there... you just have to keep your eyes open to find them.

Leading by Example

I'm not sure if i've mentioned it previously or not but as i watch the boy develop into a young teenager it's clear that his sexuality is not wired for vanilla. As this fact became more apparent over the years, his Mother initially had a tough time with it. I recall her sobbing in my arms saying,

"God please no, not MY son. Not him too..."

Since then, Bella has sort of come to terms with BDSM. Initially, kink was a cancerous evil that single-handedly destroyed her vanilla hopes and dreams of a sexual fairy tale relationship with me. Kink was the reason I strayed to munches. BDSM was "the other woman" that she felt helpless to compete against. But although D/s has left a sour taste in Bella's mouth, i think she finally accepts that we have no control over sexual wiring. BDSM for many is not a choice, and it's not the evil that she once thought it to be. Still, i know she's disappointed that the boy's sexual curiosity is taking him down this all too familiar path.

Although our sexual life is shaded from the boy's eyes, there's no question that in the day to day this house is Female led. As a good submissive man to Her, i do my best to do as i'm told and although i'm not perfect, i often anticipate her needs well. There are many things that are expected of me in my day to day life with Bella and when i slip with those expectations She will vocalize them, often in front of the boy.

I guess what worries me a little is that I don't want to skew the boy's development into adulthood by demonstrating a bias in any way. Even when it comes to things like religion, I try to remain unbiased and not project my agnostic views on him. I want him to experience life with an open mind, so that he can make his own decisions and find a path that he has made. Of course as parents we'd be here to guide and answer questions but i feel it's important to keep bias out of is as much as i can. I know that his sexuality will develop a certain way based on nature alone but when it comes to roles and D/s I wonder if how he sees his parents interact will affect how he views a relationship between a man and a woman.

In it's initial thought it seems quite harmless. In fact seeing his Father anticipate his Mother's needs in a polite almost chivalrous manner would probably do him some good. But more often than not, he sees his Father "yield" to his Mother's decisions most times with little or no resistance. If my boy is submissive then so be it; let him see first hand the rewards that come from putting the right woman's needs before his own. What scares me though is the important aspect of reserving this sort of behaviour for the "right woman". How will he learn how to tell who is worthy of this commitment? I certainly don't want him being at a disadvantage just because his sexuality is wired differently and his Father's example is to constantly yield to Wife.

I behave this way, because I feel that Bella is worthy of my submission. I don't want to go as far as saying it's a "gift", because there's effort and gifts given from both sides of any relationship. What I don't want for the boy, is to have him attracted to a woman who simply capitalizes on his sexual disposition, sincerely out of sheer opportunity alone. I guess I just want him to reserve his submission for the right person and I hope that my example to him isn't creating a bias that will start him at a disadvantage. Especially if he's wired like me which will be hard enough for him to deal with.

Profound Moments

It seems i have some privacy and free time and although little has changed in my relationship with Bella, i feel compelled to write.

I suppose at first thought i'd describe my situation as sort of a D/s purgatory. I have a tendency to constantly think about tomorrow and wonder how things could or should be, without looking at what is happening today and enjoying it. That doesn't just apply to D/s but seems to transcend into my daily vanilla life as well. Admittedly it's something that i need to improve on for the purposes of bettering myself as a human being. So from a D/s perspective, things between Bella and i are sincerely ok and on a vanilla level we seem to be getting along as well, even despite some pressures from real life that previously may have caused us some friction. It's usually when life has her in a contented mood that she engages in a little play and pushes my buttons.

I've mentioned before that shopping excursions always seem to produce an environment that is conducive to D/s. When the mood strikes, Bella picks up on this and other times i swear that she just accepts the fact that there are parts of a submissive man she can't live without. I know i've successfully built up some expectations that now seem to be second nature to her personality and not something that is forced or put on.

Recently we found ourselves (yet again) drawn into the sales of a local shoe store. I tell you, with my shoe fetish, i'm all too anxious to help her make a purchase. The day however was implicitly vanilla and i anticipated no dynamic from a power exchange point of view.

We perused the aisles and being that it's fall here, admittedly the styles are not my taste. Strappy summer sandals are my bent but still, helping Bella satisfy her shoe yen puts me in my happy place. She picked out a pair that appealed to her and for a moment tried to kick off her tightly tied right shoe before turning to me...

"Take my shoe off", she said in an everyday voice.

She wasn't putting on the persona that usually gives away her attempt at being the Domme that she thinks i need. It was a simple request and she expected me to comply.

I was hard before my knees hit the ground before her. She simply pushed her foot towards my position and i obediently and diligently loosened each lace so that she wouldn't have to struggle to put it back on when she was done trying on new items. Delighted by my position and in no shape to stand and show the tent that raised itself in my pants, i remained kneeling just in case she wanted her shoe back on in a hurry.

It was at this point that i noticed there were two other young women in the same aisle shopping together. They looked over at me but i politely didn't make eye contact. They'd been talking with each other the whole time Bella and i had been in the store but when i felt their eyes looking in my direction they suddenly got quiet. I'm not sure what they were thinking, other than it seemed odd that this fully grown man seemed so eager to help his wife in a shoe store when i'm sure most men find shoe stores the armpit of female hell.

For a moment, a feeling of humiliation hit me and unlike a lot of submissive men who seem to get off on it, humiliation makes me feel uneasy. Recognizing this my first reaction was to get up and act normal but there was a moment of quiet dignity that hit me and i remained there for the purposes of making Bella proud. It sort of tested my resolve as a submissive man so i concentrated on overcoming the hurdle and just remaining there for Bella's service. It was with these thoughts in my mind that the obvious tent showed little signs of going away. Still the internal struggle within me left me feeling more proud than humiliated by the end of it and it's this feeling that feeds my monster.

When we finally made our purchases and left the store, i mentioned to Bella that i was shaking with excitement during our visit because sometimes she doesn't even recognize that certain situations drive me crazy.

"I know," she said "the evidence in your pants was obvious." as she nonchalantly grazed her hand across my groin.

Funny, it's these innocent moments in daily life that feeds my monster in a more profound way than any play party i've been to in the past. Profound enough that this moment has been in my thoughts many nights just before sleep. ;P

So it's been 3 weeks since this chastity thing started and my birthday has just passed. The whole experience wasn't exactly textbook D/s in fact the promise of an orgasm on my birthday didn't even come to fruition. Quite frankly, i think this bit of innocent play in Bella's eye's has been just that: play. To remain chaste has been a struggle for me. Even more so because i've been away on business for a week which gave me lots of "alone" time in my hotel room. However i can proudly say that i never cheated and remained chaste the whole time. It was a little helpful that since i wasn't at home, my daily routine was filled with lots of other things than what i was used to. I opted not to take my collar with me for fear of having to explain it at airport security in front of my co-workers.

Getting home and immersing myself back into the daily routine was refreshing. Having my collar firmly locked in it's place was a welcomed and missed feeling as well. It was probably at this time that i thought mostly about wanting to masturbate but the exhaustion of a long day helped me with any tossing an turning.

The following day was my birthday and i decided that i wasn't going to mention the chastity thing at all. I think that part of helping Bella embrace D/s is to not constantly spoon feed it to her but perhaps let her absorb it on her terms. I even had to be very careful about dropping subtle hints, whether they were realized or not. I just badly wanted her to embrace this little bit of play that she initiated without any influence from me.

The day of my B-day, Bella had to work so there was nothing exciting planned. On the day that i arrived home, she and the boy surprised me with a welcome home/happy birthday cake which i enjoyed immensely. We sat and chatted a little as she prepared herself for work. I was accommodating in all the right places, motivated by the fact that i hadn't been able to do anything for her in the week that i was away. Not to mention that they boys were full which always helps with motivation. I'd be lying if i didn't say that i was really looking forward to being able to orgasm, possibly at her hand but definitely at the very least, with her blessing and permission.

When she dresses for work it's always a huge turn on for me. She always looks amazing by the time she heads out the door, often clip clopping on a pair of heels that look fantastic. I certainly didn't need any more button pushing because i was ready to explode by the time she left. Disparately i busied myself with anything to get my mind off an orgasm, thinking that perhaps the evening would relieve me of my pressure.

When Bella arrived home she was completely bushed from a busy day. Fully embracing my missed daily routine, was sat on the couch together in front of the television with her feet in my lap and my hands delicately working some lotion into her tired tootsies. She really enjoyed the attention and even mentioned that she missed it while i was gone. I thought for sure that she might mention our chastity arrangement but she didn't. I bit my tongue hard trying not to say anything about it myself.

As the evening rolled into late night, Bella headed for bed and honestly i'll selfishly say i felt dejected. Not because i didn't get to orgasm, but because it was very clear that she'd forgotten the whole arrangement. By her wishes i'd done 3 weeks of chastity and at the end of it all, received no validation for my efforts. Although i felt angry, i certainly didn't blame Bella for it. After all, she's not wired for D/s. If the plant doesn't grow because the soil isn't right, you can't blame the plant for it.

So i went to bed, locked my collar on and practically painted the ceiling with an explosive orgasm. Although it was a huge relief, i couldn't help but feel disappointment. However a few days later, something triggered her memory because she finally mentioned the chastity thing. I then told her that i was good until my birthday and had masturbated to celebrate. She said that she had noticed the difference in my attitude towards serving her needs.

"That explains it..." she said. "I think i like you better when you're not allowed to come."

I was hoping that she might enforce some more chastity (and remember doing so this time) but nothing else resulted from the conversation.

However on a good note, Bella and i have been getting along very well lately. We've even been pressured by the stresses of being tight financially yet it hasn't seemed to affect our relationship. D/s certainly isn't dead between us because the routine things she still expects, but i guess i was quietly hoping that she'd embrace this chastity thing. I don't suppose this is the end of it either. Perhaps in the future i'll try better to keep my expectations in check, just in case they lead to disappointment