In fact in the last few months the absence of sexual interaction between us has been so prominent that it almost seems weird for us to engage in it at all. There are occasions where she feels pretty enough and in the right mindset where she'll let me perform oral, however I know that as she's cresting her first or second orgasm that she's not thinking about me. That sounds a little pitiful but we've been together for so long now that I'm not offended in the least.
The truth is, we're best friends... not lovers. The boy is in high school now and in a few short years he'll be out the door at university or college. If a vanilla prospect arose in Bella's life right now she would most certainly be focused on grooming that relationship which at the right time would have us parting ways.
I have mixed feelings about losing Bella. On one hand I can't imagine living without her. I love her immensely and knowing that my family is intact brings a calm that I can't quite explain. Being a child of a split family myself, my memories of unpleasant times are a large part of what drives me to make a normal family environment for the boy. Sure his Mother and Father aren't lovers, but the affection we publicly show each other in front of him is doing him better than what you'd see in many married families I'm sure. What I want for Bella more than anything is happiness. She's a strong woman and has her own share of nasty childhood memories. She's a good person and deserves the happiness she seeks from a vanilla relationship. As much as it would hurt me to lose her, if she found Mr. Right, she'd have to pursue her dream.
Which leaves me wondering what I'd do after the boy is making a life for his own and Bella is happy with a compatible man. I haven't had to face my own wants/needs from a relationship point of view because I've never really been in the position to act on them. What measuring stick to I use to find happiness?
What I've managed to figure out over the years is what things seem to sate my monster, however how can you categorize these things into fantasy and reality. I find it difficult to look at different aspects of D/s and say "Yes I need that" but at the same time accept that it's realistic.
Example... I've just started reading Ingrid Bellemare's blog which chronicles her full time D/s relationship with her partner. The descriptions of their day to day life is exquisite, often leaving me with a raging erection as I read each word. The two of them have seemed to find a balance that sates them both however as I place myself in the shoes of her loyal sub, I can't help but feel that their exploits are immensely unrealistic. I don't mean to judge them when I say that, I only mean it's unrealistic from my perspective as a submissive male in that relationship. It's obvious they've found a balance that sate their sexualities and have the wherewithall to support it but for me, I'd fail miserably in maintaining the protocol ther her sub does in day to day life. So again, for me (not them) it's unrealistic. Although she's an incredible turn-on, Ingrid and I would just not be compatible.
So what is the formula for my perfect relationship? I have no idea! Where would I start... what do I want... what is realistic... what woman would need my sexuality as much as I'd need hers?
You know... I've played in my mind a million times, what I think a typical perfect day would be like in a D/s relationship and it's almost like buiding a house of cards. It starts very simple perhaps an attractive woman with a goofy sense of humour like mine. She'd appear vanilla like the rest of us but her Domme persona would be subtle yet strong. Quite simply our roles in the relationship would be well defined between us and she'd have no problem reinforcing those roles in a tactful way in our daily lives. Simple right? Although as I begin to bring each of my kinks out of the closet and stack yet another card on top the fragile structure, at what point does reality take over and bring the whole house of cards crashing to the ground? There have been many times where I've piled those cards, one on top of the other and felt confident that at a certain point the structure was perfect. Then as I cross my arms and think about it a little more I ask myself one question: "Who on this earth would need a man like that?" This question brings the cards crashing down every time.
I'm sure there are a few years left with Bella, that will give me time to figure this out. But I've known my sexuality was different for practically 25 years now so what makes me think I'll figure it out in the near future?
I wonder if what I need to be happy is realistic.