Sunday, May 17, 2009

I Love The Springtime

So Spring is finally here and slowly but surely, summer shoes are starting to pop up. It's a visual stimulus that I don't have to tell you people, turns me on immensely. It seems gladiator style sandals are all the rage which includes many flat 80's style sandals which are often very creative and strappy. I think the only thing missing from this 80's shoe revival is the return of jelly shoes which I have to admit, I didn't mind either. There was always something about painted toes and shiny plastic shoes that was a great contrast and a turn on for a submissive shoe fetishist who's teen years where spent in the 80's.

The only thing I recall from the 80's that sort of bothered me back then was that flip flops were practically non-existent and the basic closed toe pump was all everyone would wear which I found completely boring. I'll keep my fingers crossed in hopes that trend doesn't return.

Bella of course finally has her summer feet on and of course I'm biased but when her toes are painted and she has a good pair of sandals on, heeled or not, it presses sexual buttons in me that I can't control. Bella knows it too, although it's sort of a love/hate thing with her because I know she thinks it's only the shoes that turn me on, and not her alone. That's not the truth at all but in her vanilla world, two naked bodies should be the only thing two people in love should crave. The fact that I need something different has always been her proof that I'm sexually flawed. I don't agree of course, but that's a blog post that could go on forever...

So naturally with my heightened sense of sexuality and visual stimulus that Spring brings, the funk of completely boring masturbation has lifted. I don't mean to say that every self induced orgasm I have ends up blowing my toes off, but they certainly have been enjoyable instead of a chore I use to keep the monster quiet. My attitude towards Bella changes a little too during this time of the year as submissiveness tends to ooze out a little at a time, even if she isn't coaxing it by pushing my buttons. I tend to be a little more attentive to her needs and a little more agreeable by yielding to her point of view on things. I love that feeling and crave it but if it's not nurtured or validated then you get into the same pitfalls as "stealth submission" which i've learned ends up being unfulfilling to the point of disappointment and resentment in the end.

I've been careful with expectation when it comes to letting my submissive feelings dictate my actions with Bella. If she chooses to reciprocate my feelings by playing along and nurturing my sexuality then I let it happen and enjoy the cascade of power exchange which sates my inner monster. What I don't do is expect that tomorrow she'll act the same way because it only leads to disappointment. What I have noticed though is that we seem to get along really well when my submissive mindset is at a peak. When I'm attentive to her needs she really revels in it and it's usually during this time that she reciprocates a little by pushing my buttons.

However, Bella and I have been here before... many times. Playing around a little is fine and usually it makes us both really happy, but without fail at some point Bella stops the playful acceptance of my submission and hits me with the sex hurdle. There's no doubt that she's quite enjoyed the fun up to this point but what becomes the next step for the both of us is entirely two different things. She thinks I should crave vanilla sex complete with coitus/foreplay/the whole boring bit, and I of course dream of leather, strap-ons, bondage and kink. Our idea of sexual compatibility and bliss always split at this point and when it happens it brings a lot of resentment and anger on her part to which we once again return to no sexual contact or button pushing at all. It's this point of incompatibility that is the failure of our relationship and sadly always will be. On every other level, we're a perfect match.

I do enjoy everything that leads up to this though so I won't deny myself by forcing my submissive nature towards Bella into the closet. Sure she'll never be the Domme of my dreams but as life ticks by while Bella and I try to do the right thing for the sake of the boy, embracing a little D/s along the way is something I need. Even if I know the end result isn't going to be a compatible sexual relationship. Keeping the mindset though I find is a bit of a challenge because if she's not nurturing it or even validating it then I find it hard to express. I'm sure most self-professed BDSM purists will say that I'm not a true submissive if I don't give it up unconditionally but I'm sorry that's just not realistic. Any relationship that is completely one-sided is always doomed to fail. You can't have yin without yang.

But like many submissive men I read about here in the blogosphere, I too am finding a link between submissive attentiveness and frequency of orgasm. It's typical I know, but like many, chastity is a big turn on for me and if I haven't masturbated in awhile my attentiveness towards Bella goes up. I don't think i'm flawed because of it and I don't think that my submission is any less genuine because it's affected by chastity. Being chaste focuses mindset on sexuality and since my sexuality is linked to submission and serving Bella, then it's only natural that I'd be more attentive during times of heightened sexual tension.

So the solution is easy! (I can hear most of you say) Impose some self restraint on yourself, quit masturbating and enjoy the wonderful service you'll give Bella during this time. Great! That's easy right? My hang up here is, self imposed chastity is just like stealth submission. Bella doesn't expect me to remain chaste, so doing so doesn't work for me. I've used subtle hints to help her want to play the chastity game with me but it's just not her bag. She thinks it's wrong for anyone to take that right away from their partner.

However Bella isn't without mischief. She likes a good game now and again and I think if she were to snatch away the key to a chastity belt she'd have some fun with me just for the sake of having some fun. It wouldn't be a D/s thing... just a game. I'm wondering though... she just may enjoy the extra attention that comes with me being frustrated so I'd love to someday give a CB a shot. What would completely turn her off though would be the cost. If she found out I spent a couple hundred dollars on something so (in her mind) ridiculous, she'd be livid and push the whole thing away. But if I did have this toy and the cost component was never revealed, then I know she'd probably see the benefits of this "game" and perhaps even come to like it.

What that doesn't do however is prevent the inevitable split when she wants to take our sexual relationship to the next step. A step that of course we all know is not compatible.

Sure would be a fun ride to that point though...