Best Friends

It's been a weird month of ups and downs which really makes me think. Bella's depression seems to be in check so far which is nice. I've been trying very hard to be there when she needs me and it's a balance of knowing when to push and pry and when to give her some space to figure it out on her own. No doubt she still has issues to deal with and she's at the very least admitted this which is a hurdle that many can't seem to overcome. She knows she can get some help whenever she wants from a professional and I'm willing to bet that when it feels right for her, she'll do just that.

When I last blogged Bella was pretty low but she's starting to come out of it. We've spent lots of time talking and sharing feelings and over the last week she's gone out of her way to tell me that I'm her absolute best friend. That's nice to hear because there were many times in the past where she's lashed out at me, blaming being blind-sided by kink for her not living out a perfect sexual relationship with a vanilla man. This last week however has been a very good one for her and you can just see the difference in her personality. I'll endeavor to keep her like this as best I can. I know she can go from happy to struggling but being there with her to help her through the rough patches makes a world of difference.

It's funny though, because she talks about her and I being best friends and in the same breath ponders of how life will be like when we're old together. See part of her still yearns for a man who expresses his love towards her in the form of sex, but as she matures she's convincing herself that sex isn't as important to a relationship as she once thought. I can't quite figure out if she's just trying to convince herself of this fact so that she can accept our relationship or if she really means it. We had a nice dinner together last night. The boy was away at a sleepover with friends and over coffee and a slice cheesecake she said to me,

"Other than our sex life, you are the perfect man for me."

... and I can read it in her mind as she continues...

"I'll never find what I need in anyone else but you."

A sort of catch 22 because if she gives me up to be with a man who's a match sexually she's afraid of not being able to find what she has with me. Although the truth is I'm no superman. It may take some time, but she could eventually find someone who will bring to the table everything that I do... and the sex as well.

So we left dinner and with nobody in the house but ourselves we where together sexually for the first time in a very long time. It all started with a playful spanking. Punishment for something that I had forgotten to do for her and the next thing you know we were in bed together. I was massaging her back with some oil and before I knew it I was hard and being fondled myself. Bella has always wanted to experiment more with anal so with the oil slick and glistening in all the right places that's exactly what we did.

Although as perfect as the evening was, to me it still seemed awkward. I was sensing the same from her as well. I think she was looking for a little more foreplay but honestly, although the physical excitement was there, the mental arousal was not. She was probably thinking vanilla thoughts and I of course was wishing I had a collar on. Not to take away from the moment though it was a nice intimate time together. I think Bella chalks it up as one more notch towards being a little normal and her mood today has been very relaxed and happy.

So I'm asking myself one question.... where does this leave me? If Bella is thinking long term with me by not putting so much importance on vanilla sex, can I live without my sexuality being sated as well? It's true we are perfect together other than sex and I'd have no regrets about growing old with her but will the importance of kink in my life wane as she seems to think coitus will with hers?

Bella Needs Help

So Bella is going through a tough time right now and it's hard for me to watch her be this way. I'm certainly no expert in the field, but I'd say she's displaying 99 out of 100 symptoms of depression. In turn, her attitude which is really spiteful and hateful, starts to include those around her with in this case is me and the boy. It makes me very angry because there are times when she lashes out at us with vengeful HATE. As an adult, I know that she's really not in her right element but the boy has trouble understanding this and if I try to push back, it's like throwing gasoline on a burning fire.

Bella is stubborn to a T. She will defend 2+2=5 to the grave, even if she discovers along the way that it really equals 4. She's never apologized to me once in the time I've known her and for sure she'll simply tell you that the reason she hasn't is because she's NEVER wrong. There have been times where she's blatantly wrong, but rather than say sorry, she over-compensates with niceness instead. It's her way of evening the scale, without actually admitting fault.

Admittedly she hasn't had it easy. Her childhood was at the hand of a physically abusive European alcoholic Father who when he wasn't drunk and beating his kids, was drunk and beating his wife. Her parents are both dead now but she carries this baggage heavily. Whenever the boy has an issue and questions her authority the very first thing out of her mouth is always.... "You think you have it hard, try growing up in the house that I did..." That mantra transcends into others as well, not just the boy. If you bring up any problem you are having around her, she'll eclipse your issue with one of her own. So in her mind, you don't really have an issue... "Try having my life..."

So right now she's really struggling and I hate to see her this way. She's bothered by her weight, which is odd because she's 5'7 and around 150. She looks amazing to me but that's far from what she sees in the mirror. Her Mother was probably 100lbs overweight, as are her siblings. She's fighting genetics and with her 40th birthday coming around the bend she's fighting age as well.

For the last 4 months she's been going to the gym, but then suddenly for no apparent reason, she woke up one day with a pinched nerve in her back. I think she'd managed to drop 10lbs or so during her time at the gym however since she's been hobbling around the house this past 2 weeks with a sore back, she confirmed today that the weight is back on. She's constantly complaining about the pain and the medication our family Dr gave her seems to hardly be working.

She HATES her job. She's been a bartender/waitress since dropping out of high-school and she says she simply won't quit the job she's at now to become a waitress somewhere else. It's not that she minds the work, she really HATES her boss. I could write a book about some of the things that happen at that restaurant. Things that really put Bella in a bad position. The doors of that place frankly should be closed and honestly I wish they would.

Of course with our sexual differences, we're not having sex at all. She blames me entirely for destroying her chances of being happy with a vanilla man because of my D/s wiring so here again, life has thrown her shit and some external force is responsible for her not being happy.

The angle on this whole thing is that Bella seems to think that somehow life should automatically work itself out. She blames luck, blames GOD, blames me, blames her parents. Like somehow GOD is looking down and LETTING these things happen to her. "Why do bad things always happen to ME?" That whole thing. I hate talking religion with her because I'm a flaming Agnostic. I've watched this whole make-believe Jesus crap turn people into conformist zombies and at it's worst, molest children and take emotionally weak people for thousands of dollars. Ugh don't get me started...

It's hard because I want to help, but I know I don't have the academic skill to steer her on the road of mental recovery. She has issues that need to be dealt with and a professional needs to be involved. However as soon as I mention she needs some help, she rebels and explodes in my face saying there's nothing wrong with her, that it's the OTHER people in the world that are affecting her life negatively causing this whole thing. That it's simply "luck" which has her in this downward spiral and that there's nothing she can do about it. Luck.. God... Fate... what a bumblefuck.

So how do I get through to her? During times when she's been blatantly wrong I've just left her alone and after the rage dies down, she starts to think rationally and deals with things the right way. But leaving her alone feels like I'm doing nothing to help, not to mention that she's doing a number on the boy's own mental health. I'm sure he'll fondly remember the times where his Mother lashed out at him for no reason, simply because she was going through some depression and was too stubborn to admit she needs help.

I need to motivate her to get help. It wouldn't even cost us anything because I have coverage at work. I'm not sure what else I can do other than leave her alone help protect the boy from what she's projecting. I hope she loses the rage soon and starts to think rationally.

Oh How To Fill The Void...

So lately my focus has been on chastity and I'm sure I've mentioned in previous posts that chastity has been preoccupying my thoughts. I still think it's something that Bella might have some fun with now and again which is far from a lifestyle change but fun none the less. My biggest hurdle is to not have her freak out over spending $150 US on a piece of plastic. If the opportunity arrives where I find myself with some BFB... (Bella Free Bucks) I just may order one and tell her i got a deal on it. Having a CB2000 style device locked on would be a fantastic reminder and I just adore reminders, especially when it intermixes within a vanilla day. It's like sexual stimuli all day long in a mild sort of way that would feed the monster nicely. Sort of a D/s I.V. drip if you catch my drift.

When I'm in the mood and yearning for that drip, I tend to reach for a cock ring. I have a 2" ring that is nothing special; in fact it came from an old cock and ball harness I had years ago. Since then the leather on this cheap little harness has worn to nothing but I kept the ring and it's circumference is a perfect size for me. I suppose a Domme might say that if it's comfortable, I need a smaller size and that may be true. This 2" chrome ring is almost unnoticeable when I'm flaccid and a little too tight when I'm at full staff. It's a delicious mix and depending on my thoughts through the day it's a nice reminder of who I am. I'd like to replace it someday with a thicker/prettier model that would have a little weight to it. Nightly masturbation is different when it's on because the pressure is certainly noticeable. In fact post orgasm it's uncomfortable enough where I can't wait to get it off but often I have to wait a good 10 mins before I can pry it away. What's interesting is that 10 minutes can be maddening because as much as I want it off it's physically too small at that point to remove. I reason with myself during that time that I must endure and by the time that things have returned to their normal size, submissive guilt usually has me leaving it on as if Bella has instructed me not to remove it without her permission. I can honestly say being made to wear that ring is somthing I miss immensely. When I served Meadow years ago it was established very early that the cock ring would be worn when she required it, which was more often than not. If the ring was on, I was to remain chaste and I never was allowed to ask permission to remove it. I recall one time she even had me put it in the freezer for a couple of hours before sending me an IM telling me to put it back on. It's that kind of control that I simply ADORE and miss very much.

So with a chastity mindset I've been perving around the internet and lately I've been reading a blog about a couple who are living a D/s lifestyle and the submissive male is made to live as her maid. He's heavily feminized and of course wears a chastity belt. He identifies as a submissive sissy which I have to admit never has really been my bag. Although the dynamic between both of them is amazing and I think that's what draws me to reading the most. The blog is written by a woman named Anne and what I find so refreshing is her sexuality is completely in tune with their daily lives. Most of the activity actually focuses on HER needs however the yin is certainly in tune with the yang because I'm sure his sexuality is being equally fulfilled. Here's a snippet that makes me swoon...

The more I think about it, I realise that this is not just about steve starting his new life but as importantly, this is about what I want out of my life too. It is going to change beyond recognition. I see so many positives for both of us.

Naturally as I read through the progress of this couple I constantly put myself in the position of Anne's partner. As much as it would repulse me to look at myself in the mirror wearing a French Maid's outfit (oh I'd make a horrible looking maid) the dynamic and need to fulfil her desires would be a huge turn on. I'll openly admit that recent masturbatory thoughts have focused around Anne's blog making for some pretty intense orgasms.

The cock ring, combined with some great masturbatory thoughts has me preoccupied with submission. I need so very much to just do as I'm told which in return is fulfilling the sexuality of a dominant partner. It's nice to see there are women out there who need submissive men as much as we need them. It sort of helps validate my own sexuality, even if I'm not in a situation where I can express it.

Things I've Learned...

It's amazing how time flies. I've exchanged a few emails recently with someone who's just started out on this journey of bdsm self discovery and I feel like I've been "out" with this for so long now that I can hardly remember what it was like not to know what this was. It's certainly given me pause for thought. Allow me to ramble and reminisce about the things I've learned along the way if you will...

In the summer of 87 I was almost 17 and I remember feeling the pressure of needing to lose my virginity because I was sure that any male that reaches 17 without getting laid was certainly a loser. I'd been with my girlfriend for over a year and we'd only shared some heavy petting and foreplay by this point. We held out for each other waiting for the perfect moment to lose our virginity but we never really knew when that moment was. All we knew was that going too far should be avoided.

What I knew about my sexuality then was: masturbation felt good but made me feel guilty, I loved to see women in bondage, loved being in bondage, and didn't know why I got an erection every time I saw a cute pair of sandals.

Getting close to coitus a couple of times and managing to stop ourselves, my vanilla girlfriend and I figured the right thing to do was to get on the pill. Not wanting to go to her family Doc, we ended up in the office of the public health nurse who applauded and praised us for being responsible teenagers. I learned what a pap test was and she got her pills. It was barely a month later and during an evening that my Mother was out of the house, we lit some candles, had a shower together and had sex right there on the bathroom floor. Kids...

What I knew at the time was "Yes! This is the feeling I've been searching for!" and over the next year she and I copulated like wild rabbits at every chance we could get. I just couldn't get enough of it and neither could she. I did admit to her that I liked "Kinky" which back then amounted to a pair of handcuffs and a feather. Eventually though we grew apart. It had nothing to do with sex, we just started to mature in different directions.

The years that followed were awkward. Any girl that was interested in me wasn't interested in having sex; and every girl that wanted to have sex with me I wasn't interested in. The bar had been set and I just didn't want to have to go back to "Let's wait for the right time" game. Sex was what I needed and kink was the seasoning that didn't present itself as a need at this point. Although it didn't stop me from trying to include it. I remember mixed reactions when I'd sort of broach the subject and test the waters with whomever I was dating.

"Eeeew... you mean you like S&M and that kind of freaky stuff?" I recall hearing. At that point I'd bury my thoughts and never bring it up again. I had buried it so many times that I figured I was just inflicted with some sort of disease. Surely there was something wrong with me if bondage was what got me off. My aversion with kink became my dirty little secret and I did my best to carry on as a sexual being without making it part of my life. Although I can't say that I buried it forever because masturbation always included kink every single time. The fact that it was hidden wasn't a big deal at this point because as a teenager, sex alone was enough to keep my sexuality busy. In fact I figured sex was all I needed at the time.

So fast forward to Bella. We enjoyed sex in many shapes and forms. In the beginning it didn't include kink but as time went on I let her in on a few things that got me off. After 2 years had passed between us, she knew I liked bondage and a sexy pair of shoes would set me off. Slowly she'd introduce a little bit of kinky play and the original "feeling I'd been looking for" that I got from losing my virginity, now came to me when we'd mess around with kink. It wasn't long before I learned that vanilla sex was old news, and bondage was what I was looking for. The lesson I missed however was vanilla sex was extremely important to Bella. As my interest in it waned, Bella was left feeling unloved and unattractive. It was during this time that I realized that my kinky persuasion was more than just a fancy. I wasn't quite sure what it was, but I knew it couldn't be ignored. As I pursued finding answers to my sexuality questions, my relationship with Bella went through some pretty rough seas which included a time of separation. To this day I don't think she's quite entirely recovered from all of it.

So in my quest to find out more I jumped feet first into the local D/s community. Instantly what I learned was that although there are many other people out there who have an aversion to kink, not all of them are driven by sexuality. Some are even there simply out of opportunity. Regardless, I had met a few people who I seemed to relate to and one of them helped me to feel normal and not vanilla with an affliction. She was a Domme and I finally figured out I was submissive.

Eventually I attended a play party. It was wonderful. Protocol, physical play, bondage. Everything that my mind had been using during masturbation was there and even a few things that I'd not considered but certainly would in the future. Here I was strapped to something called a St. Andrews Cross, practically naked and a very attractive dominant woman flogging me in front of an entire room of people. I felt myself sort of drift away. The music in the room had become mute, my nervousness had disappeared. All I could do was concentrate on the lashes as she tickled my backside with pain, and the sound of her voice when she whispered in my ear. Some refer to this feeling as "subspace". This HAD to be the feeling I was looking for!

Looking for this feeling again I found myself at another play party with the same woman. Again on the cross, we practically repeated what happened during my first experience. Although the play was very intense, and I did slip into subspace again, what happened after would teach me yet another lesson. This woman had a primary relationship and the play between us was just that... play. When we were finished I felt a sort of emptiness... a longing. Kneeling beside her as she composed herself while sitting in a chair I so desperately wanted to place my head in her lap and I wasn't sure why. What I learned was that there was more than just play. There was an emotional connection that I was forbidden to pursue with this woman because of her primary relationship. There was more to D/s then just play alone.

Working things out with Bella we knew one thing: we loved each other very much. I also learned that the absence of my family affected me profoundly. In an effort to appease each other sexually, I pretended to be vanilla and she pretended to be a Domme. We certainly had an emotional connection to build on so the rest should have been easy, or so I thought. What I learned was not only did i need the space to express my submissive sexuality, but I also needed a partner that needed me to be this way as well. I learned what complimentary sexualities are and realized that Bella and i didn't have one.

So not being sexually active with Bella has given me lots of time to check my own feelings and try to understand what this is all about. Although I don't have all the answers, I've managed to figure out that there are elements of D/s that are very important to me, and other portions that I can live without. What is clear, is that how BDSM should be in my life, is defined by ME and nobody else. The Holy Book of BDSM does not exist and we should spend less time trying to slot ourselves into pigeon holes, and more time looking for compatibility.

So here I sit... unsatisfied sexually with the constant yearning to express my sexuality in a way that feels natural to me. Conversely Bella feels the same way from a sexuality standpoint. She longs for a sexual vanilla match as well. We both stifle our own urges on a regular basis because right now the bigger picture seems to be more important to both of us: Family. We've managed to solidify other components of a relationship that many other couples seem to struggle with. Things like friendship and love. We love each other immensely and our friendship is the best match you can possibly find. The boy flourishes here as well, regardless of the obvious sexual mismatch. His grades are fantastic, his parents are best friends, his independence as a teenager is growing in the right direction. He sees NONE of the typical issues that come with having split parents because both his Mother and I have come from childhoods where the importance of family was often missed. In that respect Bella and I have a common goal and it's what helps us ignore our sexualities, as mismatched as they are.

Over the years I've learned an incredible amount about my sexuality. Some of it from my own experiences and other parts of it with good people that have accepted me for who I am. Now with sexual development on a sort of hiatus, it still seems that although I've discovered so much this far I also realize there there is so much more to discover and learn.

If the name of the game is compatibility, who out there shares a complimentary sexuality to my own? Life has me busy with my family right now, but when the boy leaves the nest or perhaps Bella finds a match of her own I'll be faced with finding an answer to that question. I have no idea how or if it will ever be answered.

I Love The Springtime

So Spring is finally here and slowly but surely, summer shoes are starting to pop up. It's a visual stimulus that I don't have to tell you people, turns me on immensely. It seems gladiator style sandals are all the rage which includes many flat 80's style sandals which are often very creative and strappy. I think the only thing missing from this 80's shoe revival is the return of jelly shoes which I have to admit, I didn't mind either. There was always something about painted toes and shiny plastic shoes that was a great contrast and a turn on for a submissive shoe fetishist who's teen years where spent in the 80's.

The only thing I recall from the 80's that sort of bothered me back then was that flip flops were practically non-existent and the basic closed toe pump was all everyone would wear which I found completely boring. I'll keep my fingers crossed in hopes that trend doesn't return.

Bella of course finally has her summer feet on and of course I'm biased but when her toes are painted and she has a good pair of sandals on, heeled or not, it presses sexual buttons in me that I can't control. Bella knows it too, although it's sort of a love/hate thing with her because I know she thinks it's only the shoes that turn me on, and not her alone. That's not the truth at all but in her vanilla world, two naked bodies should be the only thing two people in love should crave. The fact that I need something different has always been her proof that I'm sexually flawed. I don't agree of course, but that's a blog post that could go on forever...

So naturally with my heightened sense of sexuality and visual stimulus that Spring brings, the funk of completely boring masturbation has lifted. I don't mean to say that every self induced orgasm I have ends up blowing my toes off, but they certainly have been enjoyable instead of a chore I use to keep the monster quiet. My attitude towards Bella changes a little too during this time of the year as submissiveness tends to ooze out a little at a time, even if she isn't coaxing it by pushing my buttons. I tend to be a little more attentive to her needs and a little more agreeable by yielding to her point of view on things. I love that feeling and crave it but if it's not nurtured or validated then you get into the same pitfalls as "stealth submission" which i've learned ends up being unfulfilling to the point of disappointment and resentment in the end.

I've been careful with expectation when it comes to letting my submissive feelings dictate my actions with Bella. If she chooses to reciprocate my feelings by playing along and nurturing my sexuality then I let it happen and enjoy the cascade of power exchange which sates my inner monster. What I don't do is expect that tomorrow she'll act the same way because it only leads to disappointment. What I have noticed though is that we seem to get along really well when my submissive mindset is at a peak. When I'm attentive to her needs she really revels in it and it's usually during this time that she reciprocates a little by pushing my buttons.

However, Bella and I have been here before... many times. Playing around a little is fine and usually it makes us both really happy, but without fail at some point Bella stops the playful acceptance of my submission and hits me with the sex hurdle. There's no doubt that she's quite enjoyed the fun up to this point but what becomes the next step for the both of us is entirely two different things. She thinks I should crave vanilla sex complete with coitus/foreplay/the whole boring bit, and I of course dream of leather, strap-ons, bondage and kink. Our idea of sexual compatibility and bliss always split at this point and when it happens it brings a lot of resentment and anger on her part to which we once again return to no sexual contact or button pushing at all. It's this point of incompatibility that is the failure of our relationship and sadly always will be. On every other level, we're a perfect match.

I do enjoy everything that leads up to this though so I won't deny myself by forcing my submissive nature towards Bella into the closet. Sure she'll never be the Domme of my dreams but as life ticks by while Bella and I try to do the right thing for the sake of the boy, embracing a little D/s along the way is something I need. Even if I know the end result isn't going to be a compatible sexual relationship. Keeping the mindset though I find is a bit of a challenge because if she's not nurturing it or even validating it then I find it hard to express. I'm sure most self-professed BDSM purists will say that I'm not a true submissive if I don't give it up unconditionally but I'm sorry that's just not realistic. Any relationship that is completely one-sided is always doomed to fail. You can't have yin without yang.

But like many submissive men I read about here in the blogosphere, I too am finding a link between submissive attentiveness and frequency of orgasm. It's typical I know, but like many, chastity is a big turn on for me and if I haven't masturbated in awhile my attentiveness towards Bella goes up. I don't think i'm flawed because of it and I don't think that my submission is any less genuine because it's affected by chastity. Being chaste focuses mindset on sexuality and since my sexuality is linked to submission and serving Bella, then it's only natural that I'd be more attentive during times of heightened sexual tension.

So the solution is easy! (I can hear most of you say) Impose some self restraint on yourself, quit masturbating and enjoy the wonderful service you'll give Bella during this time. Great! That's easy right? My hang up here is, self imposed chastity is just like stealth submission. Bella doesn't expect me to remain chaste, so doing so doesn't work for me. I've used subtle hints to help her want to play the chastity game with me but it's just not her bag. She thinks it's wrong for anyone to take that right away from their partner.

However Bella isn't without mischief. She likes a good game now and again and I think if she were to snatch away the key to a chastity belt she'd have some fun with me just for the sake of having some fun. It wouldn't be a D/s thing... just a game. I'm wondering though... she just may enjoy the extra attention that comes with me being frustrated so I'd love to someday give a CB a shot. What would completely turn her off though would be the cost. If she found out I spent a couple hundred dollars on something so (in her mind) ridiculous, she'd be livid and push the whole thing away. But if I did have this toy and the cost component was never revealed, then I know she'd probably see the benefits of this "game" and perhaps even come to like it.

What that doesn't do however is prevent the inevitable split when she wants to take our sexual relationship to the next step. A step that of course we all know is not compatible.

Sure would be a fun ride to that point though...

I Could Just Imagine...

So like everyone else on the planet, I've got a Facebook account and admittedly I probably check my page a little too regularly. Sure everyone has their opinions about social networking sites but I have to say, FB has revealed relatives that I didn't know, friends that I thought were gone forever, and it's even helped me connect with my primary school classmates to which we now regularly get together for a beer now and again.

Although the funny thing about FB is you get to see friends of friends of friends on there and I'll bet at least once a week, I'm getting friend invites from people that I don't even know. "My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw you pass out at 31 Flavors in 1986." (Thank-you Simone) Anyway, a few weeks ago I got an invite from a girl that I've probably said hello to maybe once or twice. She was part of the regular club crowd in the 1990, back when my friends and I spent every dollar at the only dance club here in town. Her name is Cara and she was one of those women who you just didn't really approach if you were looking to strike up a relationship. She was well liked by every good looking beau at the bar and to think that I even had a chance would be foolish. Whether you like it or not, most people know where they fall on a scale of 1 to 10 and a 7 never has a chance with a 10 that's for sure. Bella was a 10 too so how we ever ended up together I'll never know.

Cara, although very good looking, always seemed to be very nice. Many people spoke very highly of her personality so she was far from conceited. I did end up becoming friends with a very good friend of hers but that's about as close to the 7 degrees of separation I ever got. So I don't really know Cara, but when I received her FB invite, rather than hitting "ignore" like I would for anyone else that I don't really know, I accepted her invitation because I remember just how good looking she was. I admit it was a shallow thing to do. Nana nana boo boo too bad. :P

She's married now with a couple of kids, but I see from her pictures that her little clique of female friends are still a very large part of her life. Her husband was a good looking man when they married in 96 but recent pictures of him show he's balding badly and probably pushing 300lbs. He's not flabby fat, just a big boy is all. My shallow gene has me saying to myself, "Wow she could have done better," but on the other hand from their point of view who the hell cares? They probably love each other very much and for all I know he might be a great guy and a super Dad.

Since becoming FB friends she hasn't really said much to me. Probably because, as we both know, that we really didn't know each other all that well. Her friend Patricia knows me so I almost wonder if the two of them were sitting at the computer together when she decided to add me as a friend. She has commented on a few pictures and a few status messages that I've posted but that is all.

I have to admit, that Cara looks just as good as she did back then. I have been paying attention to all the new pictures she adds and she never seems to take a bad one. Her status messages are quite hilarious too and I find it hard to hold back and not comment on some of them.

• Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

• Grow your own dope.....plant a man.

• Did you hear about the baby born with organs of both sexes? It had a penis and a brain.

She's far from a man-hater because she always follows up with some light hearted comments. Although a certain submissive part of me is picking up on something and I now find myself wondering if she's a closet Domme. Typical submissive male reaction isn't it? Sometimes I wonder if we stretch things a little too far or over analyze someone hoping for Domme innards. Regardless, her little comments coupled with her good looks are an immense turn on.

A week ago, through her status messages, she made it clear that she was planning a night out for drinks with the girls. My thoughts perverted, I could only imagine what she was going to wear. Cute little form fitting top, some capris or perhaps a skirt, and of course some amazing heels showing off her pedicured feet. She must have been in the middle of making plans because in my FB feed was a status message of hers that read, "Planning a drunken fun night with the girls and need a driver". Well you can only imagine what that did to my submissive mindset. I swear to GOD, had I been single, regardless of not knowing her all that well, I would have offered to chauffeur. Obviously I can't, but my thoughts have been obsessively wondering how that evening would have rolled out...

... perhaps we would have exchanged some playful Facebook messages, kidding around the fact that I actually wanted to be her driver for the evening. Although it may have seemed strange for me to offer, since she knows Patricia and I are friends, she can trust me not to be a creep. She'd probably send me a message saying something like... "Are you being completely serious? I wouldn't want to put you out and honestly you'll be bored out of your mind waiting for us to have our fun just so you can drive us home." I'd reassure her that she wasn't putting me out and that I certainly didn't mind or I wouldn't have offered.

Nervously I'd probably spend lots of time making sure my car was meticulously clean. I'd probably go get a haircut to look the best I could. A small part of me would think of dressing up completely with the white gloves and of course the hat, however that would probably be pushing it a little too far. I certainly wouldn't want to creep her out. I would dress neatly but not over the top. My job is to look pleasant and quietly drive Cara and her friends to whatever destination they'd desire.

After checking our FB correspondence I would be sure to arrive at her house at the exact time she expects. Half dressed she'd appear at the front door and motion me in. Naturally I'd feel a little nervous.

"I can't tell you how much I appreciate this," she'd say as she looked into the mirror by the front door adjusting an earring she just put in. "honestly I was completely surprised by the offer."

"Really Cara it's nothing," I'd say in a nonchalant sort of way, trying to hide my nervousness, "I'm sure you just want to have a good time with friends and it's always a bummer when one of you has to remain sober."

"Sit," she commanded pointing to the bench near her front entrance before turning on the ball of her foot and heading to her bedroom.

I'd quietly sit and concentrate on doing everything right. Naturally there's no playbook because admittedly, this whole thing would be a little weird and unrehearsed.

Returning to where I was Cara was fully dressed and looked amazing. In her left hand she was carrying a beautiful pair of heels. Black, strappy and sexy as hell. Sitting beside me on the bench I'd watch as she slipped her feet into them but leaving the ankle straps unbuckled.

"Would you be a dear and buckle these for me, I'm not sure if my nails are completely dry." pointing to the ground in front of her while she spoke to me.

"Of course," I squeaked out, trying not to let my submissive mindset overcome my thoughts.

As I slowly buckled the straps, I could feel her eyes on me. It was a moment that I wanted to last forever. Here I was on my knees before Cara, about to drive her with friends to any destination they pleased, buckling her shoes on her delicate and perfectly pedicured feet. I started to shake...

"I know what you are ya know," she said firmly.

"Pardon?" I softly said as I looked up at her, her foot in my lap.

"You heard what I said," now looking deep into my eyes as I kneeled on the floor in front of her.

Our eyes locked and it was impossible to ignore what was happening. Cara has cleverly decided to reveal that she knew about me at just the right time; while I was kneeling before her that up until this point, had been completely vanilla. She knew it would blow my mind.

Before I could say a word there was a knock at the door and Cara was up to answer it. I was trying to collect my composure as best I could and of course stand up to welcome her guests. My hands strategically were placed in front of me so that I could hide my excitement.

After all the girls arrived we were on our way. The drive would take an hour or so and for most of it I was silent. Once together, the girls were almost giddy with excitement and the conversation between them didn't include me at all. In fact not only didn't it include me, but men in general. This was their night and there certainly was no place for me other than to quietly perform my duty. My brain of course was swirling with what Cara had said to me only moments before her guests arrived. My erection failed to soften even a little bit.

Once we arrived I had gotten out of the car to walk around and open all the doors. One by one the ladies (dressed to the nines I might add) got out of my car and headed towards the door of the club. Cara dragged behind to chat.

"We'll finish our conversation some other time, right now I want you to wait patiently here in the car until we're ready to go home."

"Ok sure...no problem at all," I said, trying to convince her that I didn't mind waiting.

As I turned to get back into the car I felt her hands on my shoulders as she stood behind me.

"Don't move for a second," she said as I tried to turn to face her again.

"I said stay still please," she commanded turning me away from her once again.

With that she drew my arms behind me and snapped on a pair of handcuffs. Oddly enough I said nothing. I could tell that my submissive secret was out of the bag with Cara and at this moment, to quietly comply was my best and most pleasing option.

"I couldn't help but notice that you're quite excited," she softly whispered to me, "these will keep your busy little hands from playing, like most boys do when they're alone and excited."

I could barely breathe, let alone absorb what was actually happening. With my hands now cuffed behind me I slipped back into the drivers seat and could barely look up at Cara. I was a nervous wreck.

"Relax... take some deep breaths, I'll be back in a few hours." she said before closing the door and making her way to the front door of the club.

So there I was, alone with my own thoughts wondering what the heck just happened. Instantly a million things zipped through my mind... Did her friends know? What if one of them came back to the car for something and discovered me? What if someone from the club noticed me sitting in the car or even worse, the police?

Regardless of what I was thinking Cara was right, because even with my hands neatly tucked into the lower part of my back and the bracelets of the cuffs digging in ever so slightly, my manhood was at full attention. Had I been able, I probably would have pleasured myself. Instead I sat patiently, heart beating fast, breath short and my pants tight. Cara's perfume still lingered in the car which was about the only thing that helped me relax. I closed my eyes and succumbed totally to the submissive feelings that were washing over me. What had started out as a casual facebook acquaintance had suddenly changed forever.

The noise of the passenger door opening startled me, I must have dosed off. I watched her legs and cute little shoes sweep in as she settled into the seat. I glanced at the clock. Two hours had passed.

"How are we doing?" she asked, reaching over and tracing a line up my pants with her fingernail.

"I'm ok," I said trying to collect my thoughts, looking at Cara's smiling face.

A feeling of awkwardness did hit me as I took a moment to inventory everything that had happened so far in the evening. I felt compelled to express it.

"Cara I really don't mind doing this for you and the girls, but really is all this necess..."

"Shhhh..." she interrupted, placing her hand on my mouth, "there really is no reason to over-analyze. Might I suggest a little rule? That you don't speak unless spoken to. Is that clear?"

"Yes Ma'am," I said, feeling completely confident that the honorific was appropriate.

Her finger tip traced up my leg and found the tip of my member which was straining immensely against my pants. A wry smile came across her face as her fingernail drew circles around the protrusion.

"Let's let this guy breathe. I suspect you've been hard the whole time." she said reaching for the button of my pants.

I could say nothing. I looked straight ahead and closed my eyes as she reached in a pulled out my package. The pulsations giving away my excitement. Her fingertip continued to trace the outline of my cap, circling all over. It wasn't long before I was dripping copious amounts of pre-cum to which Cara used to baste my frenum. My eyes were screwed shut and I tried with all my might to keep my composure and breathe at a normal rate. Finally, with her single finger she wiped as much of the pre-cum as she could from me and paused.

When I opened my eyes her finger was directly in front of my lips. Knowing why she was presenting it to me in this way I dropped my jaw and leaned forward letting her glistening finger enter my mouth. I made sure to suckle it clean.

"Gooooooood boy," she said with a beaming smile, "I think you deserve a reward."

Leaning back in her seat Cara reached up underneath her skirt and removed her panties. They were a beautiful black silk pair, fringed with black lace. Looking into my eyes and smiling she unfurled her panties over my head. I felt ridiculous but could say nothing. Taking a moment Cara arranged the panties so that the gusset was placed directly over my nose. The musky smell of two hours of dancing was completely evident. I was a complete wreck.

"See you in a couple of hours." she said and exited the car.

Her aroma consumed me, my situation was maddening. I could barely catch my breath as I shook feverishly not being able to get away from her scent. The minutes passed and quickly turned to hours. I completely lost track of time.

When Cara returned I was relieved to see that she was alone. My scrotum ached and my member was flaccid, no doubt completely defeated by the immense tease. Removing her panties Cara looked at me and said,

"You may thank me for your reward," making it clear that it wasn't a suggestion.

"Thank you Cara," I said with barely a voice at all.

From out of her purse, Cara pulled out a thick silver ring. It's surface gleamed even in the dim light of the car. She leaned over and started threading my manhood and scrotum through it.

"I think it's safe to say that you and I have a bit of an agreement. I know what you are boy so there's no use in negotiating what part you'll play in it. I could use a man like you at my beck and call so I expect you to be available..."

I winced as the cock ring finally found it's place.

"... this ring will remind you that you answer to me. When you are dismissed tonight I will let you masturbate, however you'll send me a detailed email accounting of thoughts as you relieve yourself tonight. I suspect right now you're probably in a little bit of pain."

My hands useless, she tucked me back inside my pants.

"The girls are coming, now lean forward." she said taking out the key to the cuffs that kept me honest for the 4 hours that I sat and waited for them.

A very vanilla environment then ensued as the girls entered the car. They didn't have a clue about what happened between Cara and I while they enjoyed each others company in the club. On the way home they rambled on about how much fun they had, and that they should make it a point do get together on a regular basis. Eventually they decided on another date.

"... yes that date will do just fine," Cara said and looked over to me with the smile of a Cheshire cat, "and I suspect our new chauffeur will be available too."

Snippets That Still Work

So I'm not even sure how to describe my sexuality right now. It's sort in this foggy purgatory and it has me wondering how I got here. Of course there's the obvious notion that my environment here with Bella doesn't really groom my inner desires; but I'm also wondering if my sexuality in itself is changing. As my 30's quickly slip away I wonder if I'm just naturally proceeding down the slope of a mountain with my sexual peak far behind me.

Masturbation has always been the relief valve I've used to keep my mind from going crazy when the monster within starts to demand attention. In a normal cycle it seems that at least 6 nights out of a week finds me self indulging with wondrous thoughts of D/s dancing in my head. Often all it takes is a few comforting objects such as a gag tightly buckled between my teeth or the lock on my collar clinking away as I pleasure myself to orgasm before bed each night. Simple images of a woman trying on a cute pair of shoes or of unstoppable drool slipping away from a tightly buckled gag.

But lately old reliable images such as these just haven't been doing the trick and although I do manage to reach an orgasm, they're often anti-climatic and leave me feeling odd after I'm finished. It's hard to explain but some of the emotions I'm left with are shame, disappointment, and defeat; even though I've never felt that way about my sexuality. I've gone through this kind of "low" before, but this last stint seems to be the longest that I've endured these feelings.

When I'm feeling this way it makes me wonder if chastity would be something that would help with mindset. Chastity has always turned me on but I've never really experienced it in a real world way. During my D/s relationship with Meadow there were times where she expected me to remain chaste which I enjoyed very much but I never needed it to get me out of a sexual funk because what I was doing with Her at the time was so exciting that the funk was never an issue. Right now, self imposed chastity would just seem a little pathetic so it would do very little for my state of mind.

For the love of GOD please let springtime come with it's glorious sights of spring dresses and pretty shoes.

All hope is not lost though. Recently I did have a real nice orgasm at my very own hand but my thoughts were a little more elaborate than usual. I'm not sure what the formula was which made everything come together but I can tell you that I certainly needed to see that my monster was alive and well, especially after such a long hiatus. What's been difficult for mindset however is the lack of new mental material. During my time with Meadow or even the online connection I had with Angel, it was very easy be turned on by the kaleidoscope of ideas that were presented to me on a daily basis. My thoughts where absolutely peppered with a D/s glow and masturbation kept me from simply exploding.

The material I recently thought of wasn't new, but it's intensity and attention to detail is what had me shaking into a maddening orgasm...

My partner in this mental scenario was Meadow. Meadow was a petite girly-girl with bright green eyes and a wonderful smile. Having spent the time with her that I did, it's easy for me to create these mental images in my mind. She was always very feminine and polite, but underneath her lamb's clothing Meadow demanded effort that bordered on perfection. In short, when she spoke, I did as I was told.

... arriving home after a long week I tossed my keys on the counter before heading into my bedroom and preparing myself for a shower. It was a ritual that I had performed many times and part of the rules that we established when we moved in together. With towel in hand I streaked naked across the hall noticing on the clock that I had about a half hour before she came home.

Stepping into the shower the water felt wonderful as it cascaded over my face. With eyes closed and head tilted back I let my wandering hands lightly fondle my genitals along with the thick silver ring that circled my package. Within the gleaming ring was engraved the words "Meadow's Boy". Not allowing myself to linger too long I finished with my shower, however the pleasant thoughts were apparent by the erection that bobbed in front of me. After drying myself off and a bit of grooming I felt I looked presentable for her arrival.

During our time at home together Meadow expected me to be naked. Of course there are many times where this wouldn't be appropriate but she felt very strongly that the concept of her remaining clothed with me naked would reinforce the kind of power exchange that we both thrived on; not to mention she loved to see the cock ring that not so subtly reminded me of our established roles.

Since it was Friday I went into the kitchen and corked a new bottle of wine that Meadow had mentioned she wanted to try which I had purchased earlier in the week. I payed particular attention to make sure the glasses were gleaming and spot free. It was then that I heard her key go into the lock on the door.

If I was home, Meadow expected me to greet her at the door when she arrived. Nothing formal from a D/s perspective, but perhaps a kiss and a welcome with a smile. She took great joy in seeing me well groomed and in a state of dress that would help her mind unwind from a busy work week. Our relationship wasn't carefully scripted with contracts or constant protocol. Our goal was to be ourselves but at the same time sate the yearnings of our complimentary sexualities. Thing were pretty vanilla for the most part, with the subtle yet definite understanding that she was the queen.

Like most Fridays she settled into the living room as I retrieved the wine and glasses. She was delighted to see I had bought the new brand she wanted to try. I of course secretly beamed knowing she was proud of me for remembering. As we exchanged small talk about the day I slipped in front of her to remove her shoes and begin with a foot rub. Her shoes of course were cute little heeled sandals that she knew turned me on immensely. In my current state of dress she could easily tell that I approved of the style.

"Wow I really like this wine," she said after finishing her glass, "what do you think?"

"I agree, it's really nice", I said while focusing my attention to her tired arches.

"Boy", she paused to get my attention "did you buy only this one bottle?"

"No Ma'am", I said. An honorific I felt appropriate after her "boy" reference. "I bought a few bottles in case you liked it."

"That's good," she said "because JoAnne and Lisa are dropping by for a visit."

JoAnne and Lisa were long time friends of Meadow's and really nice ladies. Over the years they'd had their share of marital issues and often our house doubled as a shrink's office while they aired their problems. Meadow and I of course got along great and many times the girls would mention how envious they were of our happiness; not to mention how attentive I seemed to be towards my wife's needs. As close as we were to these women though we never let them in on the status of our relationship or our roles. To them we probably just appeared as a happy couple and I was an attentive husband.

Refilling Meadow's glass I asked her what time the girls would be arriving.

"They'll probably be here in an hour." she paused to think, "I'm thinking three trays of goodies, say veggies and dip, cheese and crackers, and perhaps some fresh fruit."

Of course it wasn't an idle thought, but an order to let me know that I had only an hour to prepare the trays.

"I'm going to finish my wine and relax a bit. Take my shoes and put them away before you start in the kitchen."

While finishing up with some final preparations it occurred to me that any minute now the girls would be arriving and I of course was still naked. Meadow in the mean time had changed into some comfortable less formal attire. She was wearing a pair of very casual capri pants, a cute little form fitting t-shirt and a pair of patent leather flip flops to complete her summery look.

After finishing up in the kitchen I explained to Meadow that I was going to go to my bedroom and put on some clothes because the girls could arrive at any minute.

"Yes I want you to wear those new boxer briefs and the matching top." she commanded.

"Ok," I said. "What else do you prefer or is it my choice?" I asked.

"Pay attention boy," again the boy to make sure I was listening, " I said boxer briefs and the matching top."

Her look was stern and she wasn't smiling. Did I hear her right? She wants me ONLY in my underwear? Surely this wasn't what she meant because I can't imagine what JoAnne and Lisa would think. I started to ask for clarification of her request when I heard it...

SNAP!

Meadow had snapped her fingers which always meant one thing. With a Pavlovian response, when the snap is heard I'm to drop what I'm doing instantly and kneel in front of her. I'm to listen and not speak until I'm dismissed. She doesn't often use the finger snap, but when she does I know she's serious. Before I knew it I was on the floor in front of her.

"Those briefs can easily double as casual wear. Men wear boxers around the house all the time. If I think those clothes are appropriate for our visitors then why do you question my judgement?" she scolded.

"I'm sorry," I said, but inside I kept on thinking how inappropriate I would look to our visitors. No matter because at this point there was no choice. She wanted me this way and there was no debate.

"Off you go", she said with a head nod towards my bedroom.

Standing in front of my chest of drawers I noticed that my heart was racing so I stood and focused on my breathing. The thick chrome ring that encircled my cock was tight to the point of being uncomfortable. It probably didn't help that I had an immense erection from what just happened. I barely stopped shaking long enough to get dressed before the doorbell rang. I knew Meadow would want me to greet them and answer the door.

As I opened the door to a couple of smiling faces JoAnne caught first glimpse of me and offered a very friendly hello. Her good mood comforted me because she hadn't even made reference to my attire. Lisa trailed in behind her and I suspect the close quarters at the front door had not given the ladies the perspective they needed to see what I was wearing. I motioned them to the living room where Meadow was just getting out of her chair to greet our guests with a big hugs and kisses.

Honestly the three of them got along splendidly and there was always a feeling of excitment as they saw each other for the first time. I had quietly slipped out to the kitchen to retrieve the wine and snacks while I could hear Meadow telling them to make themselves comfortable. As I stood at the counter I realized that the girls had not yet noticed what I was wearing. I was still very nervous about being unpresentable but it didn't matter. I had to deal with my inner angst alone because I simply had to do as I was told and put faith in Meadow's choice.

As I brought in the glasses Lisa gave me a look up and down and followed it up with an inquisitive look.

While pouring the wine in her glass she said, "Wow , you certainly look comfy. Did we come a little too early?" JoAnne of course had noticed and the room instantly fell silent while the three awaited my reply. Not knowing what to say I stared intently at Meadow for some guidance.

"Not at all Lisa," Meadow began giving me huge relief, "I'm just looking forward to a relaxing evening with great friends and being able to see that behind will certainly help me relax."

There was yet another awkward pause. Meadow stared at me with both ladies looking on and gave me a head gesture towards the kitchen. I set the wine bottle on the table and walked out to get the snack trays.

"I certainly won't complain about what he's wearing," Lisa said as I exited the room.

As I was putting some finishing touches on the trays I could hear the ladies talking to Meadow about how well behaved I was. The conversation carried on about how I did things without complaint while the other husbands hardly got off the couch, let alone spend an evening entertaining three women. This topic had come up in conversation before but this time, instead of Meadow shrugging it all off to good luck, I heard her start to spoon-feed Lisa and JoAnne a little bit of our relationship.

"Believe it or not, he really enjoys this," she began "Some men are simply wired this way and I have to admit, I certainly couldn't live without it myself. We have a yin and yang that match well."

As I entered the room with the snack trays the girls continued talking about our dynamic. Meadow of course mostly skirted along the edge when describing our relationship but she certainly was giving them a glimpse of how things are. I casually sat down on the floor beside Meadow while the women continued to talk. I took a moment and zoned out because it was then that I noticed the amazing summer shoes JoAnne had on. They were a cute pair of pink sling back thongs and I was praying that an erection wouldn't present itself. My boxer briefs would hardly contain my excitement and the humiliation would be devastating. I concentrated very hard on becoming disconnected with what was going on but here I was at the feet of three beautiful women wearing nothing more than a cock ring and underwear while Meadow described how obedience and service was an inherent sexual need in me.

As the conversation rolled on I noticed that JoAnne and Lisa had become ever more curious and started to ask some very specific questions.

"So he does what he's told without complaint?" Lisa asked.

"Of course he does," Meadow said "because he yearns to please me and it makes him happy."

As time continued on the topic hadn't changed and I have to admit, had it not been for the wine I probably would have felt a little uncomfortable. At some point the conversation focused on foot massage and how I provided Meadow with one every night after work.

"He really is well skilled at it," Meadow proclaimed.

"Well then,"Lisa said while sipping her wine and spilling a little down her cheek "perhaps we need a demonstration?"

With a stern voice Meadow chortled, "Boy.... lotion."

There it was. She'd called me "boy" in front of the girls. I didnt' have long to think about it though because automatically I was on my feet and heading to her bedroom to retrieve the lotion. While out of earshot I could no longer hear the conversation going on but I could faintly hear Meadow's voice and at the end of each sentence I could hear JoAnne and Lisa giggling out loud. It was obvious they were enjoying what was going on. I of course was a bundle of nerves, barely keeping it together enough to stop my hands from shaking.

When I returned I nervously kneeled in front of JoAnne and looked to Meadow for approval to start. She nodded. With that JoAnne had crossed her legs so that one of her feet extended in my direction. Putting my fingers on the buckle of her cute little sandal I stopped and looked up at her.

"May I?" I said asking permission to remove her shoe.

"You may," she said from behind a sly but beaming smile.

I expertly worked my hands into the lotion, warming it before applying my hands to JoAnne's dainty feet. As I worked her heel she let out a huge relaxing sigh while Lisa sat up to get a better view. It wasn't long before my excitement could be contained no longer and my boxer briefs did very little to hide it. Consciously I started to slip away.

"Boy," Meadow interrupted "you're not properly dressed to give a foot massage."

I looked at her intently. "Excuse me Ma'am?"

She repeated, "You're NOT properly dressed to be serving a woman's feet."

Surely she couldn't mean that I was to be naked! In front of our guests!

"Ma'am I...." I began, pleading her with my eyes.

"I'LL NOT ASK AGAIN." she reinforced with a look that meant business.

I just couldn't bring myself to admit to what was happening. There just had to be a misunderstanding. Perhaps she'd had too much wine and her judgment was a bit off a the moment.

"But Ma'am.... I couldn't just..."

SNAP

Instantly I leaped up from where I was and took my place in front of her. I submissively placed my hands behind my back and listened intently to what words where to come. I could feel both JoAnne and Lisa's eyes trained on me to see what was going to happen next. I was a wreck.

For the next minute she scolded me about embarrassing her in front of her friends. Then she turned her attention away from me and spoke to the girls about what she expected from me. She doled out word for word what our life was like at home. Both girls seemed keenly interested. It seemed nothing was secret now and I was outed completely for what I was.

Pulling my chin up, she looked directly in my eyes and said,

"That will be enough out of you tonight. Wait here for me."

As she left and with my back to Lisa and JoAnne I felt completely defeated. I decided that other than try to apologize to the ladies I would simply do as I was told out of respect for Meadow. When Meadow returned, she was carrying my ball gag head harness.

She buckled it on and as my eyes descended into darkness and the ball took away my speech, I let out a huge sigh and accepted my submission. Meadow continued to explain to the girls what she was doing, and how this sort of correction was good for me from time to time. The girls of course where in complete awe with what was going on and loved it.

"Now, stand up and properly attire yourself to rub a woman's feet."

Without hesitation I removed my shorts and top. The blindfold of course robbed me of seeing any reaction in the ladies faces and Meadow knew it.

"You may contintue," she said as she pushed me down in front of JoAnne.

As I fondled for the lotion and continued to service her peds the conversation continued on like I simply wasn't in the room. I'd been reduced to an object and could do nothing about it. My manhood of course strained against the ring that now could be modeled for them both so that they could read the inscription.

I'm sorry dear readers but it was at this point that I lost my composure and exploded into a glorious orgasm. What brought these thoughts on during masturbation I have no idea but I can tell you that typing them out has been just as exciting.

.... I think it's time for bed.....

Realistic D/s

Although I originally started this blog to sort of document my relationship with Bella, it's pretty clear that no matter what my strategy is the ingredients for having a compatible D/s relationship with her are just not there. Our sexualities just do not compliment each other no matter what angle or spin we put on it.

In fact in the last few months the absence of sexual interaction between us has been so prominent that it almost seems weird for us to engage in it at all. There are occasions where she feels pretty enough and in the right mindset where she'll let me perform oral, however I know that as she's cresting her first or second orgasm that she's not thinking about me. That sounds a little pitiful but we've been together for so long now that I'm not offended in the least.

The truth is, we're best friends... not lovers. The boy is in high school now and in a few short years he'll be out the door at university or college. If a vanilla prospect arose in Bella's life right now she would most certainly be focused on grooming that relationship which at the right time would have us parting ways.

I have mixed feelings about losing Bella. On one hand I can't imagine living without her. I love her immensely and knowing that my family is intact brings a calm that I can't quite explain. Being a child of a split family myself, my memories of unpleasant times are a large part of what drives me to make a normal family environment for the boy. Sure his Mother and Father aren't lovers, but the affection we publicly show each other in front of him is doing him better than what you'd see in many married families I'm sure. What I want for Bella more than anything is happiness. She's a strong woman and has her own share of nasty childhood memories. She's a good person and deserves the happiness she seeks from a vanilla relationship. As much as it would hurt me to lose her, if she found Mr. Right, she'd have to pursue her dream.

Which leaves me wondering what I'd do after the boy is making a life for his own and Bella is happy with a compatible man. I haven't had to face my own wants/needs from a relationship point of view because I've never really been in the position to act on them. What measuring stick to I use to find happiness?

What I've managed to figure out over the years is what things seem to sate my monster, however how can you categorize these things into fantasy and reality. I find it difficult to look at different aspects of D/s and say "Yes I need that" but at the same time accept that it's realistic.

Example... I've just started reading Ingrid Bellemare's blog which chronicles her full time D/s relationship with her partner. The descriptions of their day to day life is exquisite, often leaving me with a raging erection as I read each word. The two of them have seemed to find a balance that sates them both however as I place myself in the shoes of her loyal sub, I can't help but feel that their exploits are immensely unrealistic. I don't mean to judge them when I say that, I only mean it's unrealistic from my perspective as a submissive male in that relationship. It's obvious they've found a balance that sate their sexualities and have the wherewithall to support it but for me, I'd fail miserably in maintaining the protocol ther her sub does in day to day life. So again, for me (not them) it's unrealistic. Although she's an incredible turn-on, Ingrid and I would just not be compatible.

So what is the formula for my perfect relationship? I have no idea! Where would I start... what do I want... what is realistic... what woman would need my sexuality as much as I'd need hers?

You know... I've played in my mind a million times, what I think a typical perfect day would be like in a D/s relationship and it's almost like buiding a house of cards. It starts very simple perhaps an attractive woman with a goofy sense of humour like mine. She'd appear vanilla like the rest of us but her Domme persona would be subtle yet strong. Quite simply our roles in the relationship would be well defined between us and she'd have no problem reinforcing those roles in a tactful way in our daily lives. Simple right? Although as I begin to bring each of my kinks out of the closet and stack yet another card on top the fragile structure, at what point does reality take over and bring the whole house of cards crashing to the ground? There have been many times where I've piled those cards, one on top of the other and felt confident that at a certain point the structure was perfect. Then as I cross my arms and think about it a little more I ask myself one question: "Who on this earth would need a man like that?" This question brings the cards crashing down every time.

I'm sure there are a few years left with Bella, that will give me time to figure this out. But I've known my sexuality was different for practically 25 years now so what makes me think I'll figure it out in the near future?

I wonder if what I need to be happy is realistic.