Realistic D/s

Although I originally started this blog to sort of document my relationship with Bella, it's pretty clear that no matter what my strategy is the ingredients for having a compatible D/s relationship with her are just not there. Our sexualities just do not compliment each other no matter what angle or spin we put on it.

In fact in the last few months the absence of sexual interaction between us has been so prominent that it almost seems weird for us to engage in it at all. There are occasions where she feels pretty enough and in the right mindset where she'll let me perform oral, however I know that as she's cresting her first or second orgasm that she's not thinking about me. That sounds a little pitiful but we've been together for so long now that I'm not offended in the least.

The truth is, we're best friends... not lovers. The boy is in high school now and in a few short years he'll be out the door at university or college. If a vanilla prospect arose in Bella's life right now she would most certainly be focused on grooming that relationship which at the right time would have us parting ways.

I have mixed feelings about losing Bella. On one hand I can't imagine living without her. I love her immensely and knowing that my family is intact brings a calm that I can't quite explain. Being a child of a split family myself, my memories of unpleasant times are a large part of what drives me to make a normal family environment for the boy. Sure his Mother and Father aren't lovers, but the affection we publicly show each other in front of him is doing him better than what you'd see in many married families I'm sure. What I want for Bella more than anything is happiness. She's a strong woman and has her own share of nasty childhood memories. She's a good person and deserves the happiness she seeks from a vanilla relationship. As much as it would hurt me to lose her, if she found Mr. Right, she'd have to pursue her dream.

Which leaves me wondering what I'd do after the boy is making a life for his own and Bella is happy with a compatible man. I haven't had to face my own wants/needs from a relationship point of view because I've never really been in the position to act on them. What measuring stick to I use to find happiness?

What I've managed to figure out over the years is what things seem to sate my monster, however how can you categorize these things into fantasy and reality. I find it difficult to look at different aspects of D/s and say "Yes I need that" but at the same time accept that it's realistic.

Example... I've just started reading Ingrid Bellemare's blog which chronicles her full time D/s relationship with her partner. The descriptions of their day to day life is exquisite, often leaving me with a raging erection as I read each word. The two of them have seemed to find a balance that sates them both however as I place myself in the shoes of her loyal sub, I can't help but feel that their exploits are immensely unrealistic. I don't mean to judge them when I say that, I only mean it's unrealistic from my perspective as a submissive male in that relationship. It's obvious they've found a balance that sate their sexualities and have the wherewithall to support it but for me, I'd fail miserably in maintaining the protocol ther her sub does in day to day life. So again, for me (not them) it's unrealistic. Although she's an incredible turn-on, Ingrid and I would just not be compatible.

So what is the formula for my perfect relationship? I have no idea! Where would I start... what do I want... what is realistic... what woman would need my sexuality as much as I'd need hers?

You know... I've played in my mind a million times, what I think a typical perfect day would be like in a D/s relationship and it's almost like buiding a house of cards. It starts very simple perhaps an attractive woman with a goofy sense of humour like mine. She'd appear vanilla like the rest of us but her Domme persona would be subtle yet strong. Quite simply our roles in the relationship would be well defined between us and she'd have no problem reinforcing those roles in a tactful way in our daily lives. Simple right? Although as I begin to bring each of my kinks out of the closet and stack yet another card on top the fragile structure, at what point does reality take over and bring the whole house of cards crashing to the ground? There have been many times where I've piled those cards, one on top of the other and felt confident that at a certain point the structure was perfect. Then as I cross my arms and think about it a little more I ask myself one question: "Who on this earth would need a man like that?" This question brings the cards crashing down every time.

I'm sure there are a few years left with Bella, that will give me time to figure this out. But I've known my sexuality was different for practically 25 years now so what makes me think I'll figure it out in the near future?

I wonder if what I need to be happy is realistic.

Has It Been That Long?

I can't believe I haven't written anything here since the fall. Odd too because I have a loyal list of blogs that I do keep track of and enjoy reading so it's not that I don't get time in front of the computer that's for sure. When I do think about writing, I think about what I'd like to say here and honestly when these thoughts come to mind I realize that they aren't all that exciting.

What's interesting though is the blogs that I do follow, I do so because the authors write about anything and everything. I love reading the genuine thoughts of others in this lifestyle, even if the content doesn't leave me with an erection that I could split wood with.

So what do you know, blink an eye and Christmas is over for another year. I like Christmas, but the stress that leads up to it I absolutely loathe. It's nothing new though. My parents have been split since my birth so having two official families to split my time with over holidays is always a stressful thing. It's one of the stresses that come with a split family that motivate me to stay with Bella for the sake of the boy, even though Bella and I aren't a sexual match. Having to choose which parent you want to spend Xmas day with always results in the other being disappointed. Not something that should be put on children at all but it's an evil that comes from a split family. It's one of the many things I wouldn't want the boy to go through if his parents were separated. Carrying that guilt over the holidays is not nice.

Bella has ended an online relationship with a fellow that she really got along with well. To make a long story short, he was a good man, but married and deeply religious. From all the stories Bella has told me it's easy to see that his wife is emotionally abusive towards him. However religion is a funny thing and his interpretation of the holy book tells him he must stay with his wife regardless of the consequences. It's what God wants.... blah blah blah. It's situations like this that make my Agnosticism seem normal.

So Bella is bummed about it because he has discontinued all contact with her. In addition to this, Bella is prone to Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder which isn't bunk. Winter hangs over her emotions like a cloud and it's hard for her to get through. So after a quick visit to the Doctor, Bella is on some "pick me ups" and it's helping her moods immensely. Although I find the fire that was in Bella is also gone on these drugs. She's sort of "ho-hum" now which leaves any inclination towards accommodating my submissive advances completely quiet.

Although what's nice is there are some rituals within our relationship that seem to be entrenched pretty deep. Although D/s isn't exactly "game-on" here, she does expect some things from me and even though they don't sound exciting they certainly feed my monster on some level which is satisfying. A couple of examples... and I'm sure I've mentioned them before in my blog... but if we find ourselves resting in front of the TV on the couch, Bella removes her socks or slippers and places her bare feet in my lap. I am EXPECTED to caress her feet while they are in my lap. Sometimes this equates to 30 mins, other times for hours if we're into a good movie. Admittedly there are some times where her feet don't' get the attention she's looking for because I'm not focused or in a submissive mood but when it's all said and done, this simple act is a faction of our power exchange that I need. I can tell because even writing about it here has produced an erection that I've not asked for. Wierd and wonderful. Another thing she expects from me is the preparation of her morning tea. Our jobs have me up a couple hours earlier so before heading to the office I'm expected to make her a tea and place it on a warming plate so that it's ready when she comes into the kitchen after she crawls out of bed.

These tasks seem simple and probably almost vanilla in some cases but it's amazing how important they are to my sexuality. Proof positive that my desire to be submissive in a D/s relationship is still alive and well. When I was in my early 20's and realized that my feelings towards D/s were official, I often wondered if my needs would wane as I got older. Perhaps what I was feeling was a phase that I just needed to get through. Still, here I am closing in on 40 in my late 30's and my desires are still strong. Sexuality is a funny thing.

So as unexciting as it may seem Bella and I seem to be in a sexual pergatory. We're both really not getting what we truly desire but we're dealing with the incompatibility the best we can. The boy is doing well at school and there's no pressure from his parents coming in the form of arguments.

Our sexual incompatibility will never go away it seems but in the best interest of family what's happening here is best for the boy and on that Bella and I can both agree.

The Fall Transition

The weather in my part of the world is going through a season change. Although Autumn doesn't officially begin until the the 21st, September seems to unofficially kick off the end of summer. The kids are back in school, holidays are over, and the days appear shorter with cool evenings. Visually I adore this time of year because the leaves begin to change and during my daily drive through rural Canada I'm presented with some stunning scenery.

The transition though is a little bittersweet. Women in the summer months have a certain look and these simple fashion choices I find extremely appealing. Cutely cropped bobs or long hair up in the back, revealing a slender neck is fantastic. Halter tops in all styles, colours and materials look absolutely beautiful matched up with a pair of capris. Finish it off with a pair of feminine sandals whether they be heels or flats and my oh my am I off to the races. Jeweled or beaded up flip-flops even look great with painted toenails to match. To me, women look the best during this time of year and I simply adore the femininity that unknowingly oozes from these beautiful creatures. God I love it.

So in the last couple weeks, there have been the odd days where the weather has been warm enough for many women to still be in this Summer mode. The visual pervert that I am, I'm taking it all in because I know shortly it will be all over until Spring. Even Bella, during her last application of toenail polish exclaimed that this would be the final painting. Spending time together shopping at the local shoe stores for some strappy summer styles is something that is done for the year. I'll miss it.

Speaking of Bella, from a D/s standpoint we seem to be in this perpetual holding pattern. Life is good here though and we're getting along splendidly which is always good for the boy. The boy just started high school and I can already see the small personality changes that come with mid adolescence. I know the next 4 years are going to need some real focus from us as parents so it's great that Bella and I aren't fighting our own battles. So far I've been keeping my monster sated with regular masturbation but lately even that hasn't been all that good. In fact masturbation has been so mundane that I've started to wonder about my libido. I was certain that with all the visual stimulus summer brings my libido would be running full tilt but it hasn't seemed to happen that way. It has me wondering what the winter months will hold for me because with everyone all wrapped up in warm clothes and sandals put away for the season, the visual stimuli will be completely gone.

Still, there are things that are part of our regular everyday life here that feeds my monster a little. Certain tasks are still expected of me from within a D/s structure or context. The presence of that structure sates me I have no doubt. For example if Bella and I are sitting on the couch together she completely expects me to caress her feet. There are times when my enthusiasm can be less than stellar and she makes sure to tell me when she's not pleased with my efforts. Even if my mind isn't into the task, her critique of my service does affect me emotionally. It certainly reminds me that although D/s isn't in full bloom here we're not exactly vanilla either.

One particular evening Bella had me continue the foot "worship" as she retired for bed which led to a very exciting episode for me. As she readied her self for bed I found myself a small stool so that I could sit at the end of her bad and do a good job for her. I was in a productive submissive mood and just felt like doing a good job for her. As she laid on her back with her feet extending out the bottom of the covers I began with a nice massage using some peppermint foot cream. I concentrated on being completely thorough and didn't rush to get things done. After the massage I continued with some caressing paying no attention to the time. As Bella lay there in a very comfortable state she'd often let me know what I was doing was pleasing by making small noises or taking deep cleansing breaths. For me this was immensely pleasing and it wasn't long before I found myself leaking with excitement. I then tried something different...

... Bella has never been one for liking kisses on the feet or the sucking of any toes. In fact she downright was repulsed by it the first time I tried it on her many years ago. However in her current relaxed state I thought I'd give it another try. (Not to mention that it was very pleasing for me to in my excited state) I started very very slow. Small delicate kisses on the sides, then a few high in her arch. I placed a few kisses on each of her toes but didn't dive into anything too overwhelming. Her body language was telling me that she was enjoying this immensely. I kept this up for some time and for a moment my thoughts got the best of me and all I could think about was my collar. How I wished I had it on and could feel the lock jingling in it's place on the buckle. It wasn't long before I was probably more excited than she was.

After about an hour had passed I thought I'd sneak in an orgasm for her to perfectly finish her off. The gentle kisses that had began at her toes started to migrate upwards and it wasn't before long that I was slowly bringing her to a maddening orgasm. In fact she was so receptive at that point that after coming down from the first one I gently swirled out a second one. As she lay floating a little I took a towel and made sure her feet where comfy and free of any excess cream. By the time I was done Bella looked peaceful enough that she probably was about to drift off to sleep so I kissed her quietly and let her be. (we sleep in separate rooms)

We spoke of this later and she enjoyed it immensely. I was hoping that this activity would be something that perhaps she'd expect from me and that somehow I could work my collar in but we've really not revisited this since. Certainly I could just go ahead and ask permission and I'm sure she'd accept but something in me just yearns for her dominant role to have a part in this.

So I guess that's why it's been so long since I've posted. From a D/s perspective very little is happening in our relationship although I can't complain about the current state of things. The boy needs our focus on being parents and my vanilla relationship with Bella is working just fine.

Although I still yearn and wish I could sate my needs.