Tease and Denial

It's been some time since my last post and i admit i feel a little guilty. The truth is that in the way of D/s between Bella and i, nothing really exciting has been happening. Vanilla life has this way of sometimes being the main focus in our lives and the natural power exchange that probably happens seamlessly between like-wired couples isn't quite present with us. I'm not trying to say that things are bad between Bella and i, just that the D/s portion of our relationship has taken a back seat to every day responsibilities. Even my last couple of posts here haven't really focused on our relationship specifically.

Still, the femdom hierarchy is certainly present and assumed for which i'm glad. I think to be able to function and embrace my role in our relationship, that hierarchy has to be present in some sort of way. Even though vanilla life can take our focus away from it for extended periods of time. Without it would make my efforts here futile.

Sometimes i feel like my thoughts are constantly paying attention to the things that Bella isn't, and i'm missing out on the things that she is. I guess it's important to state that my words here are mere extensions of my thoughts and sometimes just typing them out helps them to develop. That said, at the very least, Bella may not have entirely embraced my sexuality but she's definitely accepted it and for that i'm grateful. The differences though between embracing and acceptance i often pick out and dote on. One of those differences is sometimes the way she enforces the dynamic. I can tell that she's just playing the role and i wish i could just help her embrace it instead. When she puts on the persona she often gives herself away by a hidden smile, sometimes shortly after she's asked me to do something that preys on my submissive sexuality. I wish that she could just remain straight faced and hold up the stern demeanor when she asks me of something. It seems silly for me to complain about it... i probably should be thankful for her acceptance at all.

That said, when my sexuality brims to the point of bursting because it can't flourish in this environment, i turn to masturbation. I wish i wasn't masturbating, but considering the circumstances self release is often the only way i can rid my thoughts of the constant yearning from my monster inside. Depending on the motivation masturbation sometimes leaves me feeling very shameful. Not in a "naughty boy" kind of way but in a "look what you've reduced yourself to doing" kind of way. That said though i do enjoy self pleasure immensely. I just dislike the "letting down" period shortly after. With the right dynamic, i think chastity would be hugely exciting.

Recently, Bella found herself in a playful mood and on a weekend morning (me in some comfy loose fitting shorts and a t-shirt) while i was making the family breakfast she reached past the brim of my shorts and began manually stimulating me while i was standing at the kitchen counter. Her touch is amazing. Her skilled finger tips know exactly what i like and i closed my eyes and let the wonderful feeling wash over me. So much so that i was resisting the urge to let orgasm end the wonderful experience. Her touch was light and not obtrusive if that makes any sense. It was easy to tell that her motivation wasn't to let me finish, but to tease and torment. I absolutely ADORE this kind of play. A relentless tease is far more exciting than an orgasm and i find i never have to worry about the "let down" after. My submissive focus remains intact. As the torment went on, i suspected that her motivation changed a little because the nature of touch seemed to change to a pace that if left unchecked, would certainly have finished me off. I held on for as long as i could and at the last moment pulled away. She asked me what the matter was and i just explained that i didn't want to lose my mindset. I told her about the "let down" and mentioned that i'd rather feel frustrated and attentive than spent or lazy.
We didn't talk about it much more than that, however when privacy allowed, she teased me a couple times more. There seems to be a delicate balance between good frustration and "cut my nuts off because they're throbbing". The high that comes from good T & D is fantastic.

Perhaps when vanilla life stops stealing so much of our time, we'll be able to explore this more.